His mercies are new every morning

2011. A retrospective.

2012-01-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

Oh 2011. you weird year, you.

I came into the year with hopes and expectations - as I do most years - and its funny to look back and see how different things are from where I started. (and how many things are the same).

So yes. In January 2011 I was in the MIT program with 2 quarters to go till I would have a teaching certificate. The "rubber was going to hit the road" so to speak as I was prepping to begin observations in my new classroom and eventually take over the reins and finish out the school year with the students.

I had no idea what was in store for me. Literally. Because i spent my observations before getting into the program in Orting (which demographic-wise...is a bit different that WHS) and my friend was just getting diagnosed with brain cancer. I checked out. I didn't learn about standards or differentiated instruction or anything. I just watched them teach out of the Campbell Reese biology textbook and called it a day. Lesson 1 from teaching: do your homework. Invest in your future career like gangbusters while in school because you'll NEED to know it later.

Anyways...so student teaching started. And I was so in over my head. Don't get me wrong...I'm capable of the work...but I didn't know what the work was going to be. Or if I'd even like it. From what I'm told my experience was a pretty unique one - and maybe if I were placed somewhere else it would have been different...but...que sera.

And so I got my teaching certificate. I was told that I'd do great. And yet I had walked into school with a horrible, heavy sense of dread every morning for the last 4-5 months that I couldn't shake. I feel it even now as I type this. Everybody says the first year of teaching is the hardest, and it takes about 3-5 years to get your bearings. I wasn't willing to wait that long with that horrible feeling in my chest. So I walked away. And even though I hate having to explain to everybody why my "career of choice" isn't my career anymore...I don't regret it. Not one bit.

So back to work at the vet clinic. And back to figuring out my life. haha.

Some really cool things happened in the meantime of 2011 though....

This little guy was born. Have I mentioned that the Macherases are wonderful? Because they are. They've let me into their lives and it was been an amazing experience living with a family as their kids grow. I am in love with all their little munchkins and their quirks and cuteness. Watching Gavin grow has been such a testament to how God loves us - because I didn't know that you could love a little person like that. And he's not even my kid. God loves us and calls us His children - and I live with a tangible reminder of that.

I got to go outside. Snowshoeing...backpacking...random roadtrips...it was absolutely glorious. A welcome respite from the stresses of work and school and a testament to God's glory. Also...its nice to prove to yourself that you have some semblance of survival skills. Or at least you're able to plan for a trip to the boonies.

People graduated...and got married. Noah finished high school and went out into the big bad world of college. Megan graduated college, moved home, planned a wedding, and wed Matt Chastain this summer. Everybody's growing up so fast :)

So what have I learned?
Work hard. Focus. Pack the right gear. Love on the people who God has placed around you. There are no re-dos. You are here for a purpose, you are in the community you live in for a reason. Smile a lot. Take tons of pictures. There are no reasons to be scared of this life - God's got it.

I have nothing to do but to live to the honor of him who has completely saved me by his Grace, his blood, his righteousness"

2012-01-01T19:03:00.001-08:00

Charles Spurgeon:

But here is the joy, here is the peace of Christians, that our salvation is a finished one! We have not a farthing to pay to complete the ransom of our souls. We have not a stitch to set to finish the robe of our salvation. We have not an act to perform, a prayer to offer, a tear to weep, a thought to think in order to finish the work of our redemption! I know that all these things shall be worked in us and, that by the Spirit of God we shall be made to do them — but all that shall not be with any view to the completion of our salvation — that was finished in the Person of the bleeding Lamb of Calvary! . . .
Either Christ completed all that was necessary for your salvation, or he did not! If he did finish it, then rest in him and be glad, and say, "I am secure forever because my salvation is finished. I have nothing to do but to live to the honor of him who has completely saved me by his Grace, his blood, his righteousness.

courtesy of the Desiring God blog

Christmas Eve at the Kimes

2011-12-25T15:48:00.000-08:00

Here's a taste of Christmas Eve dinner at our house. Never a dull moment...

[I should note that there is a high amount of sarcasm at our table....]

The evening starts out with Noah dumping my salad bowl into the dressing by accident. He then has to eat that salad.

8:42 Matt is told that he "doesn't belong"
8:43 Mom backpedals to "Matt's the star on the Christmas tree" and threatens my life for journaling Christmas Eve.
8:44 Mom sings "Lutefisk, lutefisk, lefse, lefse".
We find the oysters on the chicken as a family
8:46 Noah says regarding his glutes: "Those would be delicious on me."
8:47 Mom - "Matt, what's your favorite dressing? I'm sure we don't have it"
8:48 Mom threatens to put up childhood pictures on the internet of us if we post this journal to the internet. Megan is relieved - "Oh, well I'm good then."
8:49 Mom calls Grandma Echo crazy for eating the chicken tail.
Again..."Lutefisk, lutefisk, lefse, lefse..."
8:50 Dad insults Matt's French heritage

8:53 The family discusses the evolution of laughter
8:55 We find a sore spot about Megan never wearing makeup. Dad compares my timeline to political blog bias.
8:56 Mom says "I'm sorry that this dinner is a disappointment." Family must console.
8:59 Noah calls BB King the Secretary of State. Dad names BB King's guitar.
9:00 I am called ignorant for not knowing who BB King is.
9:03 The family watches "Midnight Hour" on youtube.

9:11 Megan admits to watching The Disney version of The Hunchback of Notre Dam in Polish. I cackle. loudly.
9:13 Dad finds a Phil Collins/Eric Clapton video on youtube. He is pleased.
9:14 Noah asks if "I want to give him my duck" in Spanish. At least that's what I thought he said.
9:18 Matt impersonates a purring cat with a "full-body purr".
9:19 Noah tells us how to find the veins in our eyes.
9:25 Mom tells us how to see the red cells in the capillaries of our eyes using clouds.
9:28 Megan says Australia has no talent.
9:31 Dad makes us watch the Battle of Beersheba charge from "The Lighthorsemen" movie

and the evening goes on. We watched a Rainbow Bright movie we found on netflix and ate cranberry cheesecake and called it a night.

Gotta love my family.

When I die, let's use this in pamphlet at my funeral.

2011-12-19T17:07:00.000-08:00

I know its dark to think about that...but this poem is just so beautiful.

When I rise up
let me rise up
joyful
like a bird.

When I fall
let me fall
without regret
like a leaf

-Wendell Berry

2011-12-06T09:07:00.001-08:00

I didn't start this blog with any purpose in mind - except perhaps to inform people about what I was up to in college etc. Gradually its evolved into a series of posts on what God is teaching me. Part of me wishes I had something more "significant" to say to the world, but another part of me is just happy that Jesus is significant enough to warrant blog posts. I look back to a few years ago and that was not me at all - I thought I had better things to say. But as the years go by and life gets more complicated I find that the only stand-by that I have is Christ. So be it.

All that to say...as I move forward in my vocational goals God is doing a number on my heart.

What does it mean to be an adult?

I fear that I may have taken what my parents said to me as I grew up and twisted it in my head. Given it far too much significance. The fact of the matter is that when you hear things repeated enough times, you tend to remember them.

"Your last name is Kime. You must be out for blood."

I was told less dramatic things too - things like - "we just want you to be happy and able to support yourself." My parents sacrificed for our education - and I took that to mean that the most important thing that they could have done for me was to have me "set up for success". What makes your parents proud is when you are the salutatorian of your high school class. When you pick a career that they can tell others with a straight face.

I think I took things wrong. And regardless of what they really meant for us Kime children (which was that they loved us and wanted us to be happy), I have taken all these things to mean that my worth is determined by my success in school. By my intelligence. By my career title when its all said and done.

I hope you can understand then the guilt and shame that has accompanied these last 6 months.

I don't want to be a teacher. And I took out loans for a year of school to find that tidbit of information out.

I moved back home after college...and still work for my parents.

My sister is married....my brother is starting college...and I'm back where I was the summer after my senior year of high school.

...

God gave me a picture last night. He doesn't usually communicate so clearly with me - or I'm not listening well.

I'm in a huge room with God. I am at the corner of the room but the ceiling is so high that I can't even see its limit and God is at the other corner - blazing warm and wonderful light on me. And I am tiny. And filthy and cowering in the corner. I refuse to look at him - instead I am sitting in the dust of the corner clutching meaningless boxes and trinkets around me.

I am that girl right now - holding the significant things of this life close to me as if they will make me happy. A job, a significant other, money, a place to live of my own...and I am refusing to see that my significance is not in these things, but in the fact that God calls me his daughter and welcomes me to trust Him. I have built up so many walls to this grace that I don't even realize that they're there anymore.

But my Father is still there. Waiting for me to acknowledge Him because He loves me. For the moment that thought in itself is comfort enough.

2011-10-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

I love photography for the same reason that I love blogging - I want to preserve the world as it was for just a small moment in time. Write down what was going through my head that blustery fall day...capture a photo of my sister's face that summer she stayed with me for a few months...

My dad let me look through his photos from 30 years ago today. I love seeing my parents when they were closer to my age - how they spent their time, wondering if they were happy, seeing the world through the lens like my dad used to see it.

I love seeing my mother here. She really is beautiful, just like Daddy likes to spout out whenever he sees her. I love how she's dressed in an outfit similar to what I currently own. (even though I used to tease her for her clothes...here I am wearing similar things) I love seeing my family and their dogs - they really are an element that has been a constant for us.

And here's Dad - young, no mustache. Not how I would normally picture him. As far as I know this wasn't a happy time in his life - Wyoming was far from his family and his girlfriend, and he didn't really like Chem-E - but he still looks so pleasant here.

And here's Grandpa Merle. He isn't with us anymore - so seeing pictures of him when he wasn't sick are special to me. Note the rad plaid pants and the "Charlie Brown" Christmas tree. Love it.

I hope I can capture life similarly - so one day I can look back and remember things as they were and see where I am now.

2011-10-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

Its been an interesting last week. Not only because I am sleep deprived (oh gym...how I love you and loathe you at the same time....) but also because God has been doing a number on my heart.

A friend told me that when they first met me that people thought I was idealistic and naive of the world. And that's probably true. I still am to a degree - something that I don't think is necessarily wrong. We shouldn't lose sight of things as they should be. I feel really strongly about that. Do not get so lost in the brokenness of the world that you lose the truth of what was intended. Anyways...

People fail you. Or tell you things that aren't true. Or say one thing and do another. I have been blessed in the past that people I have grown to trust and call friends haven't done things like that. I need all the support I can get.

And yet, I have put my hope in sinful man and have found myself wanting. [it should be noted...that I fail people too.]

And so this week I have been wrestling with the accompanying sadness, guilt, and anger (with myself and others) that accompanies putting ones trust in that which cannot fulfill.

I am brought back to this verse:

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

It is in these moments of weakness and strong emotion that I have felt God so strongly speak to me.

He has this under control. He knows what my actions should be. He is making me free of guilt and anger.

And so, while this whole experience has been stretching and honestly slightly horrible in its "newness", God has so sweetly been there at my elbow, whispering that I am loved and that He is in control.

I am weak and He has answered. I love that.

Heritage

2011-09-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

Last night we celebrated my grandmother's 89th birthday. She's still trucking and its wonderful to have her there to tell us about our family's past. As I listened to her stories, I was struck by the strong difference between my life and her own.

Grandma told us about when she was born in Montana - her mother sent a note out with one of the little boys to the field to tell her husband that she was in labor. I love that attitude and I'm so floored by it at the same time - but I guess when you're out on the prairie you can't just text message somebody to come to your aid. :) Grandma Helen got married at 23 to her high school sweetheart and they went off to wherever the Navy told them to go. Great grandma Hannah lived in an apartment on her own until she was 95 and when she moved in with my grandmother she packed her boxes herself. The women in my family definitely aren't wilting flowers - and that's just talking about my mother's side.

So we start off with my prairie relatives and move onto my parents - military brats who grew up moving from city to city while my grandparents moved up the chain of command in the Marines and Navy. I'm sure they wanted to provide a stable home for us when we came along and so my family has never moved until we moved into my grandparent's property to be closer to them as they aged.

And then there's me. I don't live on a farm. I don't live out in the sticks. I haven't had to move for the sake of my parents' jobs. I have my cell phone, my laptop, my internet, my frickin' blog. For goodness sake - things are so different.

I have it so easy.

...and my music tastes are a'changin.

2011-09-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

This song is taking over my ipod right now.

Glacier National Park

2011-09-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

We went to Glacier this last weekend. All I had heard of it was that it was a beautiful place.

To be honest, when we were driving in, I thought - meh. This kinda looks like Eastern Washington. And then you get to the top - and look over the peaks. You cross over the pass and see the lakes. You hike to the glacier along the cliffs. And you really love it.

Its not my favorite place I've been (Yosemite pretty much kicks butt.) but its on the top 10 for sure.

[another significant thing about the trip was that I resolved to shoot all in manual after taking a beginning photography class from the lovely Lindsay Webster. I loved manual. So much more control of how much light is coming into my camera. Its nice to be able to be able to get a bit more out of equipment that you didn't know you could.]

Many Glaciers

Grinnel Glacier and Lake

from the Garden Wall trail

crossing Logan Pass

Oh Me of little faith.

2011-08-01T12:11:00.001-07:00

Luke 12
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. ... 24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29 And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. 30 For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

Amen.

I'm a quitter.

2011-07-25T17:18:00.000-07:00

...or at least I feel like it. But that's ok.

I don't know when I got the mindset that I was going to do everything once, do it perfectly, and live happily ever after. But hey, that's the stuff that fairy tales are made of, and I have an active imagination. Its not as if my parents got it perfect either - Dad took 5 years, got his chem-e degree and then decided he hated it (sound familiar?) - but I think I have taken the "Kimes do what it takes to be successful" a bit too far. Or maybe this is what my parents were trying to protect me from. Who knows.

Either way, I feel that I've come to a semi-clear decision - I don't want to be a teacher.

Heaven help me if my cooperating teacher reads this (don't hate me, Mr. Culp), but student teaching wasn't the best experience. And more importantly, I learned a lot about public schools that you only learn through experience (and that they don't teach you in your teaching program). I also learned about standards based education - which I feel has become an excuse to push kids through a system without putting strong expectations for the way in which things are done and the manner at which they are submitted. Finally...I found out that I don't really care very much for the biology standards - and you have to LOVE them if you're going to get close to getting kids excited about cell organelles at all.

Is this true of all schools? probably not. And I'm not bashing the school I was set up in - the kids were great and I met some really good teachers there who inspire me with their work ethic and drive to work in high schools. But is it for me? Probably not. At least that's how I feel right now.

So the question poses itself - what the heck am I supposed to do now that I just committed a year of my life to this career path? (and money too. sheesh.) Well...Daddy was always about me having a "career" and I don't see a lot of things that I want to do that coincide with the basic biology degree I got a few years ago.

Frankly, I always just wanted a family, but you gotta play with the cards you're dealt in life :) So off I go!

I'm thinking nursing. We'll see :)

Planning

2011-07-05T13:13:00.000-07:00

I am a planner. When I was little, I used to write out lists. Lists for vacations. Lists for summer. Lists for school. (and i'd draw little pictures of everything on my list. I know. I was a cool kid.)

Today starts a new "season" for me as I start applying for jobs. I've put it off, I have. I wanted to wait to recuperate from student teaching - see if any feelings changed with time. Take a vacation. And I did, and now I'm here. I feel a huge mixture of feelings about it, and honestly have no clue what to do.

And so here I am. A planner with not much to plan. A girl who clings to the "known" for her sanity waltzing off into the unknown. It would be easy for me to pick a path and say "go" - but I want to be careful. I'm praying for God's direction and guidance. For a sense of peace when the right thing comes along. For the right opportunities to present themselves as I begin searching.

So here we go.

[an interesting article about planning: here at Desiring God blog. People like to plan with no thought to what God would have of us. I don't want to be that person]

For lack of a better idea...

2011-06-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

I'll let you know what's on repeat on my ipod. Because I'm avoiding talking about applying for jobs.

Wait For Me - Motopony.

Because I'm a very single sap. And its got a good groove to it.

Underneath the Sycamore - Death Cab For Cutie

An ever so pleasant Death Cab song...which I've heard may be the best of the new album. Which is an upsetting letdown.

Scars On Land - Kings of Convenience

chill and haunting.

In Every Direction - Junip

I wish all songs were like this. but I think that would make it less special. Can't beat a good beat with strong bass. Yes. I'm turning into a nerd.

Ulysses - Josh Garrels

First off, the album is free. Go get it at Noisetrade. Also, this song is beautiful.

[If you didn't figure it out...each song name is a link to a youtube video of the song. If you watch any of these, watch Josh Garrels sing Ulysses live. It'll change you. :) ]

Wallace Falls, WA

2011-05-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

a pretty 5ish mile hike near Gold Bar, WA to see a waterfall and stretch the legs

Student Teaching

2011-05-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

Well friends, if you've noticed, I haven't blogged much lately.

In fact, I do believe that in the past 9 weeks of student teaching I have blogged about it once.

That's not because there isn't much to say - in fact its because I feel there is too much to say and I haven't really felt like I was getting my bearings up until this point. But here we are - I have 12.5 school days left until sweet, sweet freedom.

When I mention to people that I am student teaching the questions usually run like this: "Oh! Do you like it?" and "Is that your passion?" and the simple "Oh so you're going to be a teacher?". Then things usually turn to what I think of the public school system, teaching evolution, student behavior etc.

I don't like these questions - because I don't know the answer to them. I really do feel torn these days. A dear friend says that she knows she's doing God's will because she feels a sense of peace about her decisions or her being involved in something. I wish I could say that I felt peaceful about this career choice. I've thought of weighing pros and cons, sticking it out for the "only-several-years-of difficulty" stage, and the incredibly rational - "wait till you're out of student teaching to make decisions" thing.

At this point though, dread is definitely a feeling that I feel on a regular basis with student teaching. There are multiple reasons - which I won't go too far into on this blog. Perhaps sleep deprivation. Or the lovely work dynamic between the teachers at the school. Or the one student who seems hell-bent on making my student teaching horrible. I don't know.

That said - I'm coming to the point where I'm looking at the options. Weighing pros and cons. Part of me wonders if I'm not meant for higher risk populations of kids - I hate conflict too much. Part of me wonders if I've picked the wrong profession entirely. Part of me wants to look for private schools to hire me or some rural area.

But I'm not making decisions for 12.5 days :)

I love the Desiring God blog.

2011-05-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to put out good teaching in a succinct manner. Today's topic? Salvation and works.

Why Must We Work Out Our Salvation?

I love their commentary on the church:

Why God ordered it this way is seen in some of Jesus’ parables. He says that when the gospel net is cast into the sea of the world, it “gather[s] fish of every kind,” some righteous and some evil. The visible church is always a mixed catch, or always has weeds among the wheat, or always has goats among the sheep. What distinguishes the elect from others is that their God-given faith is demonstrated by their God-dependent works. Faith works through love.

The church isn't full of perfect people. I am evidence of that. However when they work together, good works declaring our salvation are done.

My church community is becoming a family. I hope you all experience that in your own churches.

Dear Reader: a small update.

2011-05-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

It never fails. Other people post blogs and then I remember that I haven't posted in a while either (cough...Em...cough).

I feel caught between two things. First, the thing that my cooperating teachers and professors would like me to be thinking about. School. and only school. And second...my ever waning social life. (cue the piteous violins here please.)

5.5 weeks left.

These last few weeks have been good and bad. Some days I get it. Like have it down - like...could go get a job and do brilliantly. And then other days...like today....I bomb. 5th period will be absolutely crazy. That one student who I am convinced hates me will hate me even more today. I really feel like I'm in a power struggle sometimes. I have tried several things so far - consistent warnings, "think time" with my cooperating teacher, keeping the student after class, calling his relatives....And yet I continue to get sassed. Like straight up back-talk, disrespectful, momma didn't wash your mouth out with soap when she should have, back-talk. Am I supposed to be ok with it then? I don't want to be.

These kids can be really disadvantaged, but I don't like making excuses for them. The world won't. I understand their situation to a small degree - but I don't feel like babying them.

And then there's my social life. What have I been up to, you may ask? Well...I see Alana and Dani when I can. I dream about hiking during the summer months.

Readers who are still in college - savor those moments. There aren't always 20 friends living 5 minutes away from you.

So dear Reader, if you ever want to go get a drink with me, I'll probably be ready and willing to participate in some good ol' commiseration.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
The plan doesn't end in 5 weeks.
The world keeps turning.
People come in and out of your life.
God's plan is perfect.

And He doesn't make mistakes.

Thoughts on Good Friday (not necessarily all my own :)

2011-04-22T23:34:00.000-07:00

This Good Friday feels different. It is on the tail end of a week of student teaching - something that makes me quite introspective when the day is over. And mopey.

This Good Friday was different because I didn't expect to get hit with the weight of it when I did. I was having a selfish afternoon. I wasn't really preparing my heart for this weekend. I didn't participate in Lent.

I am sleep deprived though. And that does help take things up a notch. ha.

Anyways. Reflections.

We watched part of the Passion in Missional Community this week. It is a movie that never fails to make me outright weep so I'm not too keen on watching it regularly.

As I watched, I was struck by two things. First - when the characters look at Jesus, they see themselves for who they really are. Jesus is tough to look at sometimes. He brings us to the truth of our nature as human beings. He is one of us in that he is the Son of Man, but he is fully God in human flesh. He is not "tame", nor does he always say what we him to say. His statement of "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." on the cross is so telling. We do not know the depth of our sin until we are confronted with holiness. That statement - we know not what we do....All have sinned and fall short. The basest desire of our hearts is for our own selfish gains above all else.

We would have betrayed him for less than 30 pieces of silver. We would have denied him many more times than 3. When we watch Judas and Peter and their interactions with Jesus, we see ourselves and we see the nature of man.

My second thought is sparked by a Desiring God post I saw here: Recovering a Theology of Martyrdom.
Jesus's love is not always evident to me. I don't know why I overlook it. I think I prefer to keep an image of Christ in my head as this emotionally detached figure head who nobly goes to his death because he knows that its going to to all work out in the end. The porcelain Jesus figurine on the cross that doesn't feel as men feel. But no - Jesus was fully man and had emotions like me. He felt pain. He knew the despair of true loneliness. He knew the fear of his impending fate. He wrestled with every human emotion.

But he is God. He can feel all our emotion. He knows the pain of loneliness and He knows what it is to choose God's glory over his own comfort. He knew what awaited him and felt the emotions that you and I would feel when looking at a horrible death and he chose it willingly. And why?

Because he loves us. He does not call curses down upon the men who are nailing him to the tree. He heals the man whose ear was cut off in the garden as they are trying to arrest him. He asks God to forgive us.

Jesus loved us. He is not some deity far from us who is going through the ritual motions to redeem us. He loves us and hates our sin. He loved us as we killed him. He loved us when he died the death we deserve.

2011-04-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

A bit of melancholy folksy music for you.

Makes me wish I wrote music.

God answers us even when we're not looking for an answer.

2011-04-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

If you've read my blog previously you may know that I, like many women I know, struggle with my identity as a woman and trying to live in a way that is pleasing to God and in keeping with his commands. I've complained about my identity as a single woman and struggled with the fact that many other women my age seem to be finding husbands or even, dare I say children, as I seem to be on the "career track" that I never intended on following in the first place.

Read this:
Confessions of a Conflicted Complimentarian

Some of my favorite parts:
"Though teachers and authors painted Biblical instructions to women as beautiful things, speaking of them with an upbeat, happy tone of voice, I just felt condemnation. It wasn't because I didn't value what I did in my home or thought my children and husband were a lesser calling than ministry outside of my home. It was because I couldn't do those things on my own. Presenting Scripture's mandates to women as good things to happily embrace in and of themselves is death. The law kills....apart from the gospel"

"In Christ, instead of feeling condemned by the law's standard, I can lift my head. I can look at Scripture's words to women, even the annoying Proverbs 31 wife, not with condemnation, but with hope and inspiration... In Christ, I can boldly access my Father in heaven and avail myself of his resources. My friends at other stages of life and those experiencing painful circumstances different from mine give testimony of the same hope in the gospel."

and what I want to be my prayer:

"God, open my eyes to the hope of my calling, my inheritance in you, and the power at work in me—the very same power that rose Christ from the dead. I can't do this on my own, and any virtue that blesses my friends or family is purely by your grace. Help me. Apart from you, I can do nothing."

Student Teaching is...

2011-04-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

being an improv master
learning to prepare so you don't have to be the improv master
letting 15 year olds walk all over you
and then being stubborn so that it doesn't happen again
students calling you a bitch and you being a little proud of it
students trying to figure out the "box" to put you in
students seeing your weird ear piercing and re-examining their "box"
finding out that first impressions are not what they seem
and sometimes just confirming your first impression
finding out that teachers like their own drama
trying not to participate in that drama
finding out how long it takes for a 3 page packet to get copied and stapled in the copier. 120 times.
wanting to leave your "job" at work and finding out that its now your life
trying not to cry in front of your teacher as he's providing constructive criticism that seems a bit too critical
and the next day being told that you just did your best work so far.

I question things. a lot. but when have I not? I know this isn't just a hoop to jump through....

but 8ish more weeks. yessss.

I just wanna go outside...

2011-03-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

It's a problem.

crankity crankity

2011-03-23T22:59:00.000-07:00

I had a cranky day at church. And no, that's not a good or commendable thing. But I do have a point with this:

We've been walking through Colossians. Specifically:

Colossians 3
¹⁸ Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
²⁰ Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
²¹ Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Paul is addressing the main roles of the members of his church. And we have to remember that the letter was written a long time ago to a different culture. That said, God's truths about relationships are pretty consistent throughout the Bible and this is no exception. So why am I cranky?

I'll give you a hint - its not because the word "submit" is used.

well. not really. My frustration is this.

I am a single, working, adult female. I am not included in this list. Because technically, in Biblical times, I would be considered under my father's household and under his leadership. Now I respect my Dad's opinion, but he would be the first person to tell you that I am an adult and that I need to live life and make my own decisions.

So where does that put me? I don't have a husband to submit to. I am not under my father's household.

I am in Biblical role limbo. Or at least it feels like it.

And even more frustrating is the fact that churches don't tend to address all the single ladies. Maybe its because they worry that the male leadership might annoy us. Or that that should be the women of the church telling us how to live. Or maybe that the single male advice is good enough. (not necessarily)

How do I live in a manner that is pleasing to my God? Well I know that answer. And honestly I know how I should conduct myself.

My frustration is that nobody wants to address my life situation. Because yeah. I'm trying to find a job. And no, I don't want to be a career woman. (God willing) And yes, I would like to be in a relationship, but no, I don't think that I should do any sort of "pursuing". Advice given to single men doesn't necessarily fit (i.e. go find a job, pursue a Godly woman).

So if anybody in church leadership ever reads this....somebody say something constructive to the single ladies. We are out here and we are often confused about where we fit in.

Who is God?
What has He done?
Who are we in light of Him?

Therefore we know how we should live.

2011-03-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

So often I repeat the same mistakes. Especially in relationships - parents, friends, the one romantic relationship I can actually claim - but fortunately by the grace of God, the older I get, the better I get at realizing sin. This blog post is awesome.

Do not confuse strength with a refusal to admit your own sin.

The Grace of Confession

Music

2011-03-10T11:14:00.000-08:00

Friends, every once in a while peeps ask me if I know of any good music. This is the "Christian music" edition.

I'll admit, I'm kinda picky about my Christian music. I think that some of the mainstream Christian labels don't allow for a lot of innovation in the artists they choose. Spirit 105.3 is pretty much 3 cds put on repeat so I'm not a huge fan of them either. That said, there are some people who are trying to be creative in their craft. I feel like these are two of them:

1. Sojourn - Split EP

Jamie Barnes and Brooks Ritter put together a solid EP. They both have very different styles but it works. Definitely worth a listen (which you can do, thanks to bandcamp. Check it: Sojourn Music)

2. Gungor. With a name like that, they have to be good, right? I've been kind of avoiding listening to this band because I was afraid it would be a bit over-hyped. But no, they are talented, they have quite the variety of instruments at their disposal, and they have a strong message. Good stuff. (and they make some of the chords for their music available free online. yesss...)

2011-03-02T11:16:00.001-08:00

My prayer for you and me (stolen from another blog :):

May you have eyes to see,
and ears to hear,
what the Lord is doing around you.

And may you be able to share that,
amongst yourselves,
and with the world.

its simple but I don't want to.

2011-02-28T23:13:00.000-08:00

Fear is a paralyzing thing. Not that I'm standing someplace shaking in my boots....

No. Instead I don't really dream. I don't push for the bounds of what is known. Or try to go somewhere new. I really have created for myself something that is comfortable. I have a life plan. I have my friends. I'm good. I don't need a lot. I'm fearless in what I already understand.

Most of the time - comfort, for me, isn't necessarily good. Even writing this makes me uncomfortable. Its a vicious cycle - I am afraid to deal with my fear, and in thinking of my own fear, I become more afraid.

I have been mulling it over these last few days and God seems to be hammering home the idea of obedience.

Kind of a spiritual "buck up", if you will. Because when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter if something is new, unknown, stretching, foreign, what-have-you. All that should matter is that I am being led to it through God's will and He asks obedience.

So here we go. I get this feeling like God has bigger plans for my life than I had though previously, should I be willing to listen to His lead. I pray that I would pull up my bootstraps and step forward in faith. and obedience.

And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul...

Deut. 10:12

Winter Landscapes

2011-02-24T23:05:00.000-08:00

There's just something about Washington winters. Gray skies that hang a bit too low, wide open spaces without the green one becomes used to the rest of the year, and a general lack of activity. In some ways its the perfect time to go outside - nobody to bug you and all you need is a strong jacket.

I've been trying to take some pictures. Here's some favorite landscapes from the last few months.

Honestly, I can't wait for spring.

yeah...I had a freak out week.

2011-02-11T10:19:00.000-08:00

It wasn't even that difficult of a week homework-wise. It was just one of those...."AAA! I didn't get enough sleep and now I'm irrational, and I don't want to go do stuff from 5 am to 7 pm and then do homework, and no I do not like some of my classes, and lawdy...this is what I'm doing with my life?!"...weeks. And that's not taking into account any social stress of say...Valentines Day reminding me, that yes, I am on track to be a cat lady, and some of my friends aren't really saying much to me these days because they're just as busy as I am.
Last night was good though. Praise God for the Church. I don't know what I'd do without the wonderful people that He has placed around me. I feel so torn sometimes between wanting to see people and knowing that right now, I just don't have a lot of time. Its a season. So this is a blog about blessings:

-I am blessed to have the school community that I have at Washington. They're all actually pretty cool and willing to help me be my best. Such an answer to prayer.

-I am blessed to have such a cool missional community that keeps reminding me of the gospel and how we need to live it out.

-I am blessed to have food to eat and a roof over my head as I've committed to so much that I don't actually work enough to support myself.

Life is only going to get more complicated in these next 5 weeks. There will most likely be tears and lots of prayers. But I feel encouraged that I am not doing this for nothing, that God has led me here for a reason, that His plan is indeed perfect even though it doesn't fit with mine, and that there will be more sunshine because Spring is coming!!

Wake up O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.

The gospel and only the gospel.

2011-01-21T09:08:00.000-08:00

This is a repost of a repost - but I wanted my non-Soma readers to have a chance to read this. Its by a pastor named Steve Timmis in England and its the main points from a sermon titled "A Word to the Wise".

I have been so challenged in these past years in knowing, believing in, and then following the Gospel. For so many years I definitely had the "knowing" part down - but what happens if we truly believe that something is true? What happens when we trust it? By no means do I have everything together - but that's a part of why I need Jesus' sacrifice

So here is a word to the wise about Christian community - we can't put our trust in each other, think we can fix each other, or prize each other over Christ. Its almost a relief that God needs to be the focus - it takes the burden of guilt and responsibility off of man's shoulders and forces us to trust.

1. The Gospel Saves - nothing but the Gospel saves; our community is not the power of God for salvation. Just getting people around us and into our community saves no one. The proclamation that Jesus is the Messiah, the risen Lord who summons the whole world to believing allegiance, this is the power of God for salvation. (Romans 1:3-5, 16)

2. It’s Grace that Sanctifies - we default to legalism; law seems so much more reliable for getting people to do good stuff and change. But it’s only the cross that changes us, not the law, never the law, never expectations. So load each other down with the Gospel of Grace, not the weight of expectations, for the new heart responds to and is transformed by grace. (Colossians 2:20-3:3)

3. It’s the Holy Spirit that Convicts - We must speak the Gospel to one another in love, and apply it to the sin we see in our own and each other’s lives, but ultimately it’s the Spirit’s job to convict of sin. He’s in it for the long haul, he see’s the “Master Plan.” If we don’t believe this, community becomes something hard and intense, chasing each other down with the Gospel all the time, not experiencing the rest the Gospel gives us as well. (John 16:7-8)

4. Christ is the Primary Object of our Affections - Christianity isn’t notional, theoretical, academic, it’s not about ideas, it’s about affections and Jesus capturing them! It’s about Jesus; desiring him, serving him, wanting to please him, worshiping him—and often times our MC or Soma can take his place. What are we praising most naturally and with the most affection? Does joy well up in us over Jesus and what He’s done, or over us and what we’re doing? (1 Peter 1:8)

5. Holiness is our Goal - Becoming like Christ is what God has saved us for. We must pursue this over community—Satan can counterfeit anything (even community) but holiness, and community that glorifies God will come out of become more like Christ. (Romans 8:28-29, 1 Peter 1:15)

6. Eternity is our Destiny - We are not the focus of the story, it doesn’t begin and end with us. We are a part of God’s long story of the glory of his grace, and our hope is Christ restoring all things to himself. Speak about eternity often, more than ourselves and what we’re doing here.

Ah controversy.

2011-01-19T20:49:00.000-08:00

that's what makes the world keep turning - or at least that's what it seems like sometimes. Tonight's class included a discussion on controversy in science teaching and how we teach it - depersonalize it. Which I agree with: no need to get up in arms, we are only telling you so that you can be better informed on this subject. The main subject of controversy was, of course, creationism in the science classroom.

I've come away from class with several strong impressions:

First, this whole, post-modern "that's your point of view and here's mine" sort of thing is kind of shooting ourselves in the foot. On the one hand, it makes for some civil conversation. I'm not going to try to make you believe what I believe because you come at it from a different paradigm entirely. However it kind of eliminates the point of debate, doesn't it? If we can never convince others because we are living in two opposite universes, then why do we argue? It comes down to whether or not there is absolute truth. Which is never what people are actually arguing but they need to think about it.

Second, I guess I'm considered a "moderate" in the whole creation/evolution debate. That wasn't what I was going for - but whatever. Does our salvation depend on whether or not Genesis means a literal day in the 7 days or "a day to the Lord is like a thousand million years" sense? Is our faith threatened by a beautiful system that reacts and changes to the environment that surrounds it? No I don't think that the level of mutation is possible for there to be transitional species between fish and land dwelling mammals. No, I don't think that man is related to monkeys in an evolutionary sense. But you need to be educated on evolution and know what the theory actually says before you run around yelling about how a monkey is not your cousin. That's not what they're arguing. So drop it.

Third, it seems like origins science is the odd nephew of the scientific community that we don't like to acknowledge very much. Stuff like the big bang. Nobody wants to bring it up as far as I can see - and frankly I think its because our ideas are tenuous at best. I want to know more about it because frankly, the evidence is looking slim to none from here. (that said, it could be that the physics of the current theory of origins are so complicated that nobody cares to care. That's a definite possibility. Any physicists in the house who want to explain this to me?)

Fourth, all you Creationist parents who are going ballistic on science teachers are making a bad name for Christians. Yes, I know you're just the weird extreme examples that the media likes to highlight, but darn it, would you speak that way to your mother? Be kind. You don't have to agree. But you do have to have grace and love the individual when you're trying to speak truth. That goes out to all you Creationists, who I love, who tend to speak of scientists and evolutionists with anger and disdain. They are people too. You are speaking that way about somebody's brother, mother, sister, uncle, and God is all about saving them too. Thou shalt get off thy high horse and remember that we are all sinners and we are all in need of the grace of Christ's sacrifice.

Fifth, LeTourian science is not all there is. It accepts faith - like the example of Pasteur not knowing whether or not his vaccine trail would work in the real world farm outside of the lab. It accounts for man being fallible - because fact is only general consensus. It takes into account all the other components of science that make science "science" - including controversy. But it does not account for there being an absolute truth. And I just can't get behind it - it still leaves something to be desired.

and finally - I am super impressed and thankful for the tact and care that my professor and classmates took when discussing this issue. It gave me hope for civil conversation and the science teachers of the future. All is not lost, friends. The world may be crashing down around us, but I still end up meeting nice people on the way :)

it was silly really...

2011-01-11T22:24:00.000-08:00

...but I prayed about it anyway.

As student teaching began looming over me during my first quarter of grad school, I began to worry about how I could reconcile my faith and the job path that I had chosen. How do you fit God into a public system that separates itself from Him? How do you reconcile your views of the earth's beginnings while teaching something that you don't necessarily believe? Is that lying? Really - how do you find your calling in public schools?

And so I prayed, every once in a while, that God would bring me a teacher who was a Christian, who was active in the public school system, and who understood how to teach science with a healthy respect for our Creator. I was ok with the fact that it probably wouldn't turn out that way - I know I have a lot to learn, but the idea of being in one of the "rougher" school assignments of our program without any sort of guidance scared me a bit. But oh well. You go anyway.

I prayed again as I drove up to the school in the dark of 7 AM this morning. "Lord...just let this be good."

The school is a bit rough around the edges, but they know that. They're honest about their behavior problems and achievement levels. And my teacher really seems to want to be there. A student told me that he's "like a second dad" to them. I like honesty. I like teaching for literacy. I like trying to get kids to understand the basics.

My cooperating teacher has a Bible on his desk. He has Bible Study posters up outside his door. We had the awkward, "So, you went to Cascade Christian, are you a believer?" conversation after I asked him some questions about his Bible Study. And on my first day we got to talk about the school's reception of his beliefs, and how he teaches evolution while he is a pretty staunch 7-day Creation kind of a guy.

I don't know everything about what he believes, but I do know, or at least hope, that my cooperating teacher believes the gospel, loves his students, and is living as a Christian in a public school.

I am blown away by how things turn out sometimes :) Thank you Lord. Now on to student teaching.

Winter's Bone

2011-01-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a post about my favorite movies and music of 2010 (late I know...but you can't stop me) and then I watched Winter's Bone tonight and can't think about much else. So this is now a post about the movie that has caught my little pee-brain and grabbed hold.

Here's the trailer:

Its a tense movie, but not in the way the trailer depicts. I would just say that the movie feels very real and dangerous at the same time. Like each character has the capability to end the story then and there by killing our main character, Ree. Themes of communication, drugs, poverty, connection to nature, and growing up too fast are very clearly represented throughout. Honestly...the more I think about the movie the more I love it. Yeah...the acting can feel a bit over the top in parts - but from what I can tell they just found local Missouri people to play the parts so I can't fault them that. The scene is authentic and you can't help but feel Ree's desperation as she tries to find the truth in a community built around secrets, violence, and drugs. Its a mature subject but it seems real enough that you have to think that there are many children living in these sorts of environments.

Ree's devotion to her family is admirable - when asked if she will leave the family to join the army, she answers,

"I'd be lost without the weight of you two on my back"

Its a heavy movie, but the good kind of heavy. Granted...I do like me a dark movie every once in a while.

Resolutions

2011-01-04T21:42:00.000-08:00

And a happy new year to you. The idea of a new years resolution hadn't really occurred to me until several weeks after New Years Eve when people were mentioning theirs on their respective blogs. oops. I forgot I'm supposed to improve myself :) Honestly, I do feel more improved from last year - but that was thanks to a bunch of hard things and thanks to the grace of God. But hey, I don't think its wrong to goal set - so here we go.

1. teaching certificate.
finish strong woman. finish strong. I will get that stupid teaching certificate this year.

2. hiking and more specifically, a backpacking trip
I would love to do more hiking this year. That takes planning. And more than that, I would like to go on a backpacking trip - maybe 2 nights? Now to find the place and the people to go with me...

3. for the sake of honesty - I'd like to lose and keep off 20 pounds.
I am determined not to be that girl who gets involved in way too much stuff at school and gains a bunch of weight. I don't want to be that student teacher. So here's to staying healthy and working hard to do so. food and exercise don't come easy to me but I'm committed to learning and growing in that area. I used to weigh over 200 pounds and I'm never going back. (that's the first time I've said that on this blog, and I don't intend for it to be a "weightloss" blog because I find those monotonous. Just saying.)

4. become a lightroom master.
I just got the program and I have absolutely NO idea what I'm doing. Here's to being humbled about your computer prowess. I will master it! haha.

5. sew something. anything.
I have a sewing machine. It was given to me. free. Its sitting on my bedroom floor and I have no clue how to use it. Someday I will make an apron. Or a dress. Or a stuffed animal. My goal for this year...is just to sew something.

This year: because we've got 10 days left.

2010-12-21T16:46:00.000-08:00

I look back on this year and my heart kind of hurts. Its a dull ache...something that comes to mind when I think about what it means to get older and learn maturity.

This year has been refining in the best sense. It has been difficult. It has been beautiful.

Let's review:

*I graduated and moved home, with no idea of what I would be doing "with my life". I didn't know if I would be going to grad school like I planned...because the application wasn't due till April. So I moved in with my parents. I love my parents. I see my parents every day at work. I visit my parents on the weekends. I don't particularly want to live with my parents again. We just don't communicate well anymore when we live 5 ft. away from each other. They aren't sure whether to parent or not, and I'm not sure whether to ask for advice or to just do my own thing. And so God revealed to me a great weakness of mine: communication. Saying what you mean, when you need to say it, and doing so in a manner that glorifies God and builds the other person up. I don't have it figured out by any means.

*and then, in February, Alana got sick. I had never set foot in a hospital before that except a waiting room. And all of a sudden, life and time became a little more precious. The peace of God that passes all understanding makes a little more sense. I am in awe of my friend Alana because of how God has used her - in my life and in the lives of everybody she comes in contact with. I am blessed because I hadn't had to deal with the ideas of illness and loss up until this point but it seems like a major theme of our lives here as mortal beings. There will come a day when God will wipe away our tears - at least I can say that I've shed a few now.

*the epic roadtrip of silly proportions - 5000 miles in 9 days. I wouldn't recommend that to pretty much anybody - but it was fun when we weren't too crabby to enjoy it. Best part - Yosemite. hands down.

*the grad school gauntlet began in April - will I get in? What will I do if I don't? Is it ok to only apply one place? The Lord opened the door to UW Tacoma finally and I stepped through. Its been good, overwhelming, and frightening all in one. I've learned a lot, and I have a lot of questions. There's still a lot to be revealed - will I get a job? Will I finish my Masters in a reasonable amount of time?

*I ran a half marathon. That's something I never thought I would do. Especially since I am the girl who didn't know what the word exercise meant in junior high and high school. We'll see if I try another one - it was a good experience :)

*I moved out of my parents' into Alex and Kathy's house in June. It's not your typical living situation (explaining to people that I live with a 2 year old always earns me some looks) but its been wonderful in terms of living near school and living in community.

*Summer started and ended up being fairly uneventful due to the fact that I was in class from 4:30 to 7 at night most days. We did manage to go hiking, kayaking, and marry off a few Rock girls in the process though :) Beth, Lauren, Brooke, Dani and Lizzy all in one year. I lived with some pretty cool girls.

* Fall has been relatively uneventful as well. I started teaching a class at a homeschool co-op. The kids are great and I've really enjoyed it. I'd rather have more time to devote to that class than to other things. School took it up a notch with homework (3 week unit....60 pages....ugh). I did find time to go hiking, go to a couple weddings, have Pseudo-Thanksgiving, join a gym (Tacoma Strength is awesome. You should join too.), and see friends.

So. here I am. I feel so different from that girl that left Pullman with her car jam packed - not knowing what the year would hold.

Honestly...the world feels a little bigger, a little colder, a little harsher, and a little scarier. But at the same time - God seems bigger. He has revealed himself in those cold, harsh, scary situations. He has carried me when I felt like blowing a gasket, falling down, bursting into tears, or taking a nap.

At the end of the day, adulthood feels like you just know a little more about good and evil, and you know that you aren't capable of handling it without Christ. At least that's how I feel at the end of 2010.

I think 2011 is going to be good. I feel the promise in the air. :)

Truth.

2010-12-15T13:00:00.000-08:00

Oh if I had read this 5 years ago. Or 2 years ago. Or 1 year ago. Read it.

A Bitter Harvest

Grace. Even with school.

2010-12-13T20:53:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest. Sometimes I don't like to pray about school.

Usually the thoughts go like this: "I put off this homework this long, so its my responsibility to do well on it. Praying about it seems like a cop out - this is my fault. I'll deal with it."

Ah the spiritual perils of being a procrastinator.

But this last week I had the biggest project EVAR due Monday. And I couldn't work on it right away for a number of reasons (including the fact that I needed info from my cooperating teacher, the fact that I had 2 other big projects due several days before, and the fact that I feel no motivation to work until I'm sitting in the fire). So, driving home - I decided to pray about it. It wasn't the usual prayer though. Lately the prayers have been different.

Lord have mercy on me.

Kyrie Eleison.

I prayed for mercy on my stupid schooling. Mercy on me, a sinner, who puts off work till its due. And you know what? God totally showed up. He had mercy on me. He answered my prayer. My mom texted me the afternoon that I prayed and asked if I wanted the day off the next day to do homework (YES). My cooperating teacher sent me enough information to get the work done. Even though I have no concept of how much information to fit into a 3 week teaching unit - I still got the calendar filled out. Even though my professor never e-mailed me back about my questions, I still was able to make sense of the assignment.

I say this because I really felt no motivation to do work. I didn't feel like I had the energy. And yet everything came together so that I'm fine with the 60 pages I turned in. That was by God's grace alone.

I really dislike it when people claim that God helped them with their homework - but honestly I have to say this is a situation that had a bit of divine intervention.

eye candy.

2010-12-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

drool.

Its not a super fancy camera, but I think it will do what I need it to do. Here's hoping that everything comes together so I can get it.

I have been a horrible blogger...

2010-12-08T11:22:00.000-08:00

...but it was all so that I could be a good student/worker/friend. I tend to schedule my life when things get busy - and things have been inordinately busy lately. And yet here I am, typing to the world once again. This post is going to be a bit scattered, but hopefully informative.

*I had a hard day Monday - and not for the reasons I would normally think to list. Some of the homeschool co-op students gave me Christmas gifts. Nothing big, but enought to show that they (well really, their moms) were thinking of me and thankful for me. And I felt like crap - because it hadn't crossed my mind for one second to bring my students or TAs anything for Christmas. I think the sadness comes from two places - one, I am sad that I have scheduled my life up so much that I don't have time to do nice little things for people. That's my fault. And two, I am sad because I'm selfish enough with my time that even if I did have the time to do little gifts, I probably wouldn't think to in the first place. I need to make time to make other people feel special (even the people who I don't think to give my time and love to in the first place).

*The quarter is drawing to a close. Thank goodness. My mindset is not right about school right now and its going to take a whole lot of God to change it. I'm feeling jaded about teacher programs and teaching in general - frankly I'm having the "why don't I drop out of school, marry somebody and have kids" moment a lot. Not technically feasible - you would need to have somebody to marry to do it - and not a good choice. I need to finish what I've started. I still just want to have a family, but all in God's timing. That's right folks. I'm one of those women.

*I may actually be getting a dslr camera. This makes me VERY happy. Canon Rebel T2i package at Costco...I'm coming for you. Prepare to have a much larger camera stuck in your face if you're around me often. YAY.

*I have never felt more thankful for friendships these days. People who put up with me when I am sooo unavailable - especially Kathy and Alex. God shows me his character through the friendships he puts in my life - friends who are faithful even when I'm not there to give anything to them. Last Saturday was so wonderful - so many of the WSU alumni in the area came together for a potluck meal. I continue to be amazed at the cool people I have had the priviledge of knowing in my short little life.

*My church, Soma, is doing something called the Advent Conspiracy. Its pretty cool - don't give gifts to people who don't need extra "stuff" - instead give relational gifts. Put your money towards drilling safe wells for people in countries that don't have safe drinking water. Check it out here.

There you have it. What could have been 5 different blogs in one.

2010-11-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

I was driving to work this morning and the question came to mind: If there was a phrase that represented your life, what would it be? And immediately, and rather unfortunately, the answer came to mind.

So wait...its not all about me?

Yep. That's my life up to this point. It was an honest answer, and try as I might, I will always struggle with that.

The beauty of grace is that Jesus already paid for my selfish sins on the cross. I am constantly being brought back to that truth. Really, my struggle would be futile without the prompting of His Spirit and His grace. I am a sinner. I cannot be successful in conquering my selfish sin on my own. So really, my phrase should be this: Jesus redeemed this selfish sinner. I want to live like I believe that.

Oh Sufjan.

2010-10-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

Oh Sufjan Stevens. I had the opportunity to attend his concert yesterday and I'm left going..."huh?". My thought process is thus:

Sufjan Stevens makes some gorgeous music. My favorites of his are generally him, singing alone with a banjo or guitar about some narrative of his childhood. If you haven't listened to "For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti" you should. Its gorgeous. And this is how I picture him -

[For goodness sakes...everything is underlined now. Darn you blogger. ]

I also know that Sufjan is into some pretty experimental stuff though - listening to a sample of his Asthmatic Kitty records sampler should prove that. But his new music...well...its kinda pushing my limits. Take one recently divorced Sufjan, add in references to the work of a schitzophrenic artist who had visions of the end times, and then give Sufjan a box of electronic sound makers. And then you have his new album.

Now, I enjoyed the concert. It was sooo loud, colorful, and artsy. And of course I ended up attending the day-before-Halloween concert in which the entire band was dressed up like a mental hospital on crack. The dancing was hilarious (oh Sufjan....I hope you're kidding with that sad excuse for a moonwalk. Regardless, I'd totally be one of your background dancers) and he doesn't seem sad in the music. Its actually kind of joyous in a crazy, frenetic way. So I would see him in concert again. I'm just not sure that his new cd is going to be on "repeat" on my ipod.

A short clip of the final song:

Its been quite the month.

2010-10-26T22:32:00.000-07:00

[I just wanted to post some pictures...and then I had some not-so-deep thoughts...so here they are, mishmashed together]

This has been a month of humbling. A month of forgetting my commitments. Of making mistakes I don't normally make. Of being embarrassed. Of being angry at myself.

This has been a month of questioning things I thought I had laid to rest. Of wondering if my heart was ever really in the right place. Of wondering if perhaps my perception of the future and relationships are a bit skewed.

A month of turning to God when I would normally look to myself. A month of looking for pure trust. A month of "wait and see". A month of "oh well".

And so, in the grand scheme of things, its been a month of adulthood. A month of something good for me. And a month of learning.

A month to praise God for his faithfulness and a month to cling to Him.

Just listen.

2010-10-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

Songs of the week:

courtesy Erika who introduced me to him through the wonders of blogging and the internet

Cut it out.

2010-09-30T21:40:00.001-07:00

Something great from the Desiring God blog:

"Simply put, God's will is your growth in Christlikeness. God promises to work all things together for our good that we might be conformed to the image of His Son (Romans 8:28-29). . . . God never assures us of health, success, or ease. But He promises us something even better: He promises to make us loving, pure, and humble like Christ. In short, God's will is that you and I get happy and holy in Jesus.

So go marry someone, provided you're equally yoked and you actually like being with each other. Go get a job, provided it's not wicked. Go live somewhere in something with somebody or nobody. But put aside the passivity and the quest for complete fulfillment and the perfectionism and the preoccupation with the future, and for God's sake start making some decisions in your life. Don't wait for the liver-shiver. If you are seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, you will be in God's will, so just go out and do something. (61)"

What do I hear from this?

Hannah, quit worrying. You are within the will of God if you seek Him first. Your job, your relationship status, even worrying whether or not your job is not "Christian" enough...these things are secondary and taken care of.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.

Ever learning.

2010-09-22T19:55:00.001-07:00

I am in a life situation that I never really contemplated before I got here. Especially now, when the number of single Christian women my age around me is currently zero. It feels pretty lonely sometimes. But then again, I am ever convicted that this time is not a "holding pattern". Who am I to tell God that he messed up in bringing me here? And who's to say that He will not use me and this loneliness for good?

My Utmost today:

"He wants us in a relationship where He is so easily our Master and Teacher that we have no conscious awareness of it—a relationship where all we know is that we are His to obey."

I pray for the day when I am not even consciously aware of my willingness to heed the Spirit and obey his guidance on me. Today kinda feels like one of those days where I'm having to learn that He is the Master and I am but the student.

Update yo.

2010-09-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while. A long while actually.

I think its because I believe I have nothing worthwhile to say. And maybe, just maybe, its because I believe that I'm not doing much worth writing about. That's partly true I suppose - I feel like I just mostly go to work these days. I don't think readers want to hear about the weird folliculitis we saw the other day or the 3 lb. mass removal on the dog last week or the super cute kittens from metro that always come to us with respiratory infections. Then again, that's kinda my life right now, and I do actually get excited about weird stuff like that.

But other things have been happening I suppose...

I went to the Puyallup Fair and saw some cows (which were very cute)

...and got to hang out with my radtastic brother.

I went on a hike to this very pretty lake in the Olympics...

And got to enjoy some outdoors-y time which I'm beginning to treasure

I also had the privilege of helping out at "Rod Run" down at Long Beach with Janna and Rayna and their awesome family and I got to go to the Fox Island garage sale with Dani B (oh yeah...she's Dani I now...) on one of her few free moments. I moved downstairs to the bigger room but don't have a mattress so I'm not actually sleeping down there. And I started teaching a physical science class to 7th and 8th graders.

So life is pretty full actually. School starts next week. And I'm starting up training with a Crossfit gym next month. (we'll see how that goes...I hear they kick your butt).

End of the Quarter

2010-08-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

I had a lot of thoughts driving away from UWT on Thursday. It was the last day of the quarter - meaning that I had 5 weeks off from school until the start of the next quarter.

I was relieved that the quarter was over - these last 8 weeks have been some of the most stressful and thoughtful in my life, in some ways. Its been an interesting transition back to the west side and living in Tacoma. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad I'm here. Its just that I don't deal with change as well as some - it takes me a bit to adjust.

And as I look back on the quarter it pushes me to look ahead. And I know that school only gets harder from here. Maybe not next quarter, but we have practicum starting 2 quarters from now and then student teaching next spring. If that doesn't make a person shake in their boots, I don't know what does. And then, the unspeakable - the first year of teaching. Some say the first year is one in which you can kiss your social life goodbye (*sniff*), some say that you end up depressed by the end, others say that you'll hate writing lesson plans. I'm sure they're all true in some sense. Its gonna be tough.

Praise God for the Holy Spirit though. I think the more stressed I get the louder He speaks. As I was driving away from campus, up the steep hill, something was brought to my mind.

"wouldn't it be good to do something difficult, well?"

And so, I hope to look at this challenge as a way to honor God. I will do my best, I will trust His leading, I will lean on Him. Its gonna be scary but its gonna be worth it and I think I'll be a better person because of it.

Also, if any of you who read your blog could be praying for me: I would really like to meet a mentor teacher who is a Christian and who understands what it is to teach in the public schools. Or at least somebody to tell me how to survive the first year. That would be wonderful...

2010-07-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

"God's training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself."
-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, July 28th

Ah, sweet conviction.

I tend to look at this teacher certification program as this trial by fire that I just have to get through to get to real life. As if it doesn't really matter what I do, who I meet, or whatever difficult experiences occur on the way - its all just getting me to the goal of my "real job".

I'm reading Passion and Purity. again. This is probably the 4th time and it is just as meaningful and important to me as the first time I read it. If we were defined by what book we've read the most, then that book would be it. Elisabeth Elliot challenges me and pushes me to be better - and last night's chapter was about this same concept. Do I believe that my happiness comes from my plan? Or do I believe that holiness is "wholeness" and that pursuing God's will is what will bring true satisfaction?

So maybe I need to let go of this "life plan" a little more and just dig in to where I'm at. Who has God placed in my path today and how can I honor God through my behavior?

Be diligent at my work, above reproach in how I conduct myself, and encouraging to those around me.

There is no insignificant point in our lives if we believe that the journey is of the most importance, not the final end point.

Hammocks and Community

2010-07-27T23:01:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned what a blessing it is to live with the Macheras family? If you're looking for a testament to the beauty of the body of Christ, look no further to what they've done for me. And that's only looking at the past several months. Kathy knew me when I was in 7th grade. SEVENTH GRADE. Do you know how awkward and annoying I was? DO YOU?! And she stuck out working with the junior high-ers until we graduated from high school. This woman has kept up a relationship with me for over 10 years. that's beautiful.

The Macheras family have beautiful children too. I realize I'm biased, but the little tykes kill me every time. So cute. Heaven help me if I have kids because if I think these kids are cute and I'm supposed to love my children even more...oofta. :)

Summer has finally arrived to Tacoma and the hammock is out. I have already flipped myself out of it in a death-spin. Luckily the Macheras clan is more skilled in the hammock areas and I can learn from their ways.

Photography

2010-07-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I was interested in something a little more off-the-wall creative than photography. Or just that not so many people were into it. (or maybe...just that people who didn't have much skill wouldn't get huge fancy cameras and pretend to be photographers. But I guess they need to learn too...) I think its just that push to be unique - when in fact a lot of us are all kinda the same in our interests and desires. Not to blow the lid off of this whole "I'm a creative artist" thing...its just that I see plenty of good photographers. Not just one. That said, everybody has different focuses when they go to take pictures. I'm searching for what I do best.

I have absolutely loved the journey that getting my little Sony Cybershot H10 has taken me on. It has been cool to develop my skills with light and composition etc. I feel that I've kind of reached the limits of my little point-and-shoot and I'm looking forward to saving up for something with a little more "firepower".

[still not sure on whether to go with Nikon or Canon - seems like everybody and their mom has a Canon Rebel, and part of me chafes at the idea of being like everybody else. but...the t2i looks really good to me right now. That or possibly getting a used Nikon D200 and getting new lenses]

My friend Dani let me borrow her Canon Rebel for my friend Brooke's wedding. Brooke is pretty cool, in that she asked me to take pictures of her wedding. Little ol' me! I am definitely not professional level. But it was a HUGE blessing and a wonderful experience to follow around two guys whose photography I admire, and get to take some shots. They even humored me by taking my photos to combine into the final "wedding photo package" or whatever you call it. Here's a couple of the shots I got. I have sooo much to learn, but I'm excited to see where this goes over the years.

2010-07-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

I am writing this when I should be doing schoolwork. And yes...I avoid things that stress me out. It makes things momentarily easy. Funny how we can be aware of our failings and still keep doing them. Then again...maybe that's my real failing :)

But I digress.

I have 4ish more weeks of this quarter - which is intensely frightening because I've only been in this quarter for 4 weeks. Yes...brevity is nice. But at the same time I know that the next few weeks involve papers descending upon me en mass. Sometimes things just seem a bit off balance and that drives me crazy.

(which consequently makes me avoid things...are we seeing a pattern?)

Class is discussion based most of the time - and it is challenging the heck out of me and my beliefs and worldview. Stuff like poverty. Poverty in America. And government education - federal, state or local? And whether we teach to standards, or teach ethics, or just teach knowledge for the sake of knowledge. Stuff like...Kuhn's paradigm theory of science (which paints a much less rosy picture of science as compared to what I've been taught the last 16 years, but I like). Or special education. Or reporting child abuse.

Sometimes I would much rather avoid these conversations (hint hint, that's seeming to be the theme of this post. And possibly my life up to this point...) but it is refreshing to approach them and not have my point of view entirely destroyed by my classmates.

Sheesh. the real world is big and scary and complicated. Sometimes I just want to move back to Pullman.

In my head, I'm treading water. In reality - I will swim. darn it.

2010-06-27T22:54:00.001-07:00

Do you believe that God is good, and that He gives good gifts?

Do you believe that anything and everything is within his scope of knowledge and control?

Ok.

So are you satisfied with your good gifts, whatever they are, because they are given by a good, omniscient God?

I think post-college students tend towards the "why me?" in life. Our plan didn't go exactly as we prepared it. Our friends are getting married but we aren't. That relationship we put stake in didn't work. Single people are hard to find. Our dream job didn't turn out to be so hot, or we didn't actually get it. We are living with our parents. Grad school is hard.

Do you believe that God gives good gifts?

I know I struggle with it. I want to encourage you - live like you believe it.

2010-06-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

At the same time that I am so convicted of being a horrible, sinful person, I read this:

"For you to say, "Oh, I'm no saint," is acceptable by human standards of pride, but it is unconscious blasphemy against God. You defy God to make you a saint, as if to say, "I am too weak and hopeless and outside the reach of the atonement by the Cross of Christ." Why aren't you a saint? It is either that you do not want to be a saint, or that you do not believe that God can make you into one. "

-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

There is a balance between knowing who my flesh pulls to be and what my God has called me to believe and trust in. I haven't found that yet, but I am encouraged that we must both know our sinful state (otherwise the gospel has no meaning to us) and believe that God can do anything, including make us holy. I love it when God's will through Christ's sacrifice is sometimes referred to as a mystery - we get glimpses of his plan for us all in Jesus and the cross but there is still so much to be revealed. I cannot imagine what it will be like in heaven to know the full story of what God has done for us to call us his children.

^{Ephesians 1: 8-10}In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

I am just touching the surface, yet there is so much that could be said.

Just some photos.

2010-06-14T22:57:00.000-07:00

...but give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am.

Thoughts during a church service.

2010-06-01T00:30:00.000-07:00

I don't normally blog about relationship musings, but this was a really cool moment for me and I'd like to share it.

...

I was sitting in Soma during worship, thinking. I was sitting with 3 other girls, all my age. To my left, a married girl and a girl getting into a relationship; to my right, a girl who's engaged. An engagement announced this week, two pregnancies, a wedding last weekend and a wedding coming up in 2 weeks. Tis the season.

Its easy to sit there and wonder why I am single. There are things I can definitely blame my "predicament" on that, although I laugh it off, are probably legitimate reasons. But the moments where I question that are becoming fewer and more far between as I get older.

But this Sunday I had one of those few moments where I feel very out of place. Out of the prescribed track of life...like something's wrong with me. And in that moment the Lord spoke to me, as he tends to do sometimes when I least suspect it.

..."I have to bring you to your knees first."

And for that Lord, I will wait. It doesn't sound particularly easy or "fun" but it does sound worthwhile. I want to learn what it is to kneel before the cross of Christ and have that and only that be what I derive my life and identity from.

I am not finished. He is faithful to complete the work started in Christ Jesus. Whether that includes a man...we'll see. :)

a return to my ol' stomping grounds

2010-05-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend was chock-full of stuff to do and wonderful people and driving - and plenty of meditation on life in the meantime (5 hour drives are good for that). I am left feeling truly blessed to have been (and kinda still be...only kinda) a part of the community of Pullman, WA. Letting go of things is hard for me but life seems to be doling out change like a sledgehammer lately so its slightly more bearable to go visit again.

Thoughts/cool things this weekend:
* I got to sing with the E-free worship team once again. I LOVE worship team - and I think I'm just coming to the realization that that's where I like to find a niche in churches. That's how I get involved and its a type of service that I generally don't get tired of. I can be at the church at 7 am to go sing. That to me is a well-spent Sunday. Not sure what God is going to do with that in the future but I believe he gives us passions for a reason - so here's to singing my head off.

*I bought a backpack! after hunting around and talking to folks I decided that I really do like Osprey's line of packs and after trying one on I'm sold. It should be arriving tomorrow and I'm excited. Now I can go wander around outside with the proper gear. ha.

* I've been convicted lately about the difference between the "flesh and the spirit" and the excuses we make for it. Reading My Utmost For His Highest has been good for that. Striving to live a Godly life means not making excuses for sin. And that means even when I'm speaking to my friends - I find that I tend to make excuses for them and if they are striving to live a life pleasing of God I'm doing them no favors by saying "well...you're just tired" or "you've been stressed". I can love them and tell them the truth. And I need to hear truth too.

* I am SO excited for my friends' weddings. And also excited that I can say that without a hint of jealousy or anger at their changing life situation and how that affects me. That's a change for me, as I generally greet friends' weddings or even new relationships with fear and trembling (aka - I believe my friendships suffer when men enter the picture. sometimes true, but not in this case)

* Honestly...I miss college life. I miss living 5 minutes away from everything and everyone, spontaneous bonfires in people's backyards, trips to the food co-op, wandering around in wheatfields, and the awesomeness that is the E-free community. But God is doing a good work in me, and he has opened doors so wide that I cannot deny that the path stretches forward away from Pullman. It is bittersweet and an exercise in trust. But its beautiful to know that I can trust that my God is good and his plan is perfect.

thoughts on "An Education"

2010-05-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to watch "An Education" for a while - there's been so much hype about newcomer Carey Mulligan. She was nominated for an Oscar after all.

You should be warned, the movie is bittersweet. The kind of sad tone I like that makes my old roommates want to either watch a comedy, cry, or run from the room. Well, maybe just Dani :) I love the late 50's style too, which probably affects my feelings on this movie.

All that said, it was beautifully done. Mulligan's plays Jenny, a 16 year old on track to go to Oxford who meets a charming older man, played by Peter Sarsgaard. Sarsgaard surprisingly doesn't come off as too creepy - as it could seem with a 30-something year old man pursuing a school girl. The movie artfully deals with the question of the teenage years - or at least my teenage years - why go to school and on to a life of drudgery and difficulty if there are so many lovely things to see and do in this world?

I don't recommend the movie if you're looking for a laugh. And I should note that its rated pg-13 (a welcome change from most of the R rated movies dealing with the subject of teenage angst). But if you're looking for a beautiful story of coming of age and learning about things the hard way, I would watch this.

wowzers.

2010-05-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

Life keeps coming at me fast these days.

I am accepted into grad school - the only school I applied to. There was no Plan B...so thank you Lord. I would not recommend doing that to most people, but it has worked for me now for undergrad and grad school.

I am moving out of my parents' house at the end of next month.

I will be striving for "financial independance" when I do so. And that's the scariest part of all.

Close your eyes and jump.

...well...and pray. pray a lot.

ouch.

2010-04-27T22:53:00.000-07:00

Today, like the good Kime-child-replacement-for-any-worker-at-the-vet-clinic I am, I was holding a dog for a blood draw. Its a simple procedure really...keep them lying still so they don't hurt themselves or you.

Sometimes it isn't so simple.

Sometimes you're holding onto the dog equivalent of Hulk Hogan. And sometimes you're on the receiving end of some nasty kicks. That's what happened today - a border collie (remind me not to get one, evidently they're strong as an ox) got out of control and left a huge scratch down the length of my arm. Its currently working on becoming black and blue. But the real kicker, literally, was that the dog threw the needle out of its own vein.

And the syringe went flying...into my arm. Well, not for long. Just long enough to stick me and fly off into the distance.

And nursing my wounds this evening, I am brought once again to what seems to be the theme of this past week. I can't do things right all the time.

Shocker, I know. But I'll be gliding along, thinking everything is peachy, and then WABAM, like a kick to the arm from a border collie with untrimmed nails, I am gently reminded that I'm a sinner.

I put unnecessary guilt on my parents this week. I cried over spilled milk. I was a jerk to my friends and family. I was lazy. And all that turned to self loathing.

But you know what?

"Be sick. Be loved." That's what's going through my head today too. I am sick. I am in need of a Savior. I do not have this on my own, by my own strength. And it is in that weakness that I am reminded of my Father's love for me.

Because this week...and every week....I don't deserve it.

Dani and Ed

2010-04-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

Dani and I have been in school together since 1st grade. We were mistaken for each other in junior high and high school and even went to the same college. During those college years she was there for me when I was being stupid, she listened to me when I needed a good cry, and introduced me to some of the coolest people at WSU.

So, obviously her engagement to a young man named Edward Ivory is kinda important to me. And lucky me, I get to take some pictures of them with Dani's fancy camera. Here's some I got when we visited Mount Ranier. You couldn't tell in these pictures that we are all soaked up to our knees from snow (or that I'm knee deep in snow wearing shorts...but my failure to plan is another story).

I'm currently in love with this "Earl Grey" edit I got off of Coffeetea Photography and I think it works really well with the snowy setting. Click here to check it out. Super excited to take more pictures of these two as they get ready for getting hitched!

2010-04-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

Dealing with things tonight.

Dealing with the fact that I am, in fact, a crier. that's embarassing.

Dealing with the fact that adulthood kinda sucks sometimes.

Dealing with the fact that I am selfish. Could I let everybody have a good night? No. I must guilt-trip!

Dealing with the fact that the Lord has dealt bountifully with me.

Dealing with the fact that I have wonderful, beautiful people in my life.

2010-04-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while you have those little moments when...I don't know. You treasure life and beauty more than other times.

This morning mom found a little bird outside our window on the ground. It could hardly stand - it would sit up and tip forward so that its tail feathers almost pointed to the sky and then catch itself just before collapse. And, because she's my mother and she's cool like that, my mom went outside, picked the little birdie up and put it in a shoebox. We put the shoebox on top of the fridge (a particularly warm, high place) and left for work; reminding ourselves to check the box when we got home that night.

I was the first home tonight - alone. And the first thing I did when I walked in was to check the box. I worried. I didn't want to have to clean up a dead bird at the end of the day. I didn't know what mess would be inside. But I'm an adult and I need to deal with these things anyway.

As I touched the box it jumped with a skittering sound. The bird was alive...but I didn't know what shape it was in or whether it would be healthy enough to fly. So outside we went.

And so, as the sun was going down behind the trees, I crouched in our yard. Prying the lid shoe box lid free, I looked inside. The little bird sat there, looked at me for a split second, and then flew away.

when I grow up....

2010-04-09T23:29:00.000-07:00

This week's theme has been work. And doing what you're called to do. And finding what you're passionate about.

At least...that's what I feel I should be doing. Or should already know.

I heard someone once say that their 20's was the hardest time for them in their life because they felt they had to have their life figured out. I want to believe them - because I feel that ache too. At the same time though...I feel like there's somebody out there who'll say that their 30's was the hardest time in their life. Being an adult just keeps getting more complicated as the years go by. But I digress.

My prayer the last couple of weeks has been for God to direct me towards a call. Whether it be teaching or something else. I just want my heart to break for something. A cause...an injustice...something. Something to sink my teeth into. This Easter during worship I felt like I had been freed of previous ideas of what my future should look like - yes I can get a job, but the Lord could very well send me to a different country or let me stay in Tacoma. Who knows, but it will be good.

Today my dad asked me what I would do if I didn't get into the masters program at UW Tacoma. And I actually gave a real answer - not some cop out joke or something.

Maybe I'll go get a degree in nursing. I would like to be able to go to places like Haiti, when the earthquake hit, and give tangible aid, not just money.

We'll see if God closes the door on UW. Whatever He chooses...for the first time, I don't feel so afraid anymore.

Easter

2010-04-02T21:39:00.000-07:00

My prayer this Easter:

That I would know who I am in comparison to my God.
That I would know who my God is and what He is about.
That I would know who I became when I accepted my God's love and sacrifice.

And that I would live a life worthy of being called God's daughter.

Womens Retreats and the resulting self-imposed guilt trip.

2010-03-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

I spent last weekend in Seabrook at the Soma Womens Retreat. Soma is a church that I have really liked when I've visited in the past and now am attempting the long process of "getting involved". Honestly, getting out there and meeting people and saying hello etc. is kinda hard for me - but I suppose that's another blog. Anyway, the womens retreat seemed like a good step in the direction of meeting people and getting involved.

I find that, like many people, I come off of retreats with a high. I have things to attain, goals, a new person to be...etc. This retreat was a bit different, possibly because I'm getting older. I left with a bit of dread. I had learned some wonderful things! I really enjoyed my time! So evidently in my head that lead to me falling apart when I got home because I can't attain all the things I wanted to while away from home.

Ironically, my "My Utmost For His Highest" reading the next day was about just that. God does cool things like that sometimes.

We cannot kindle when we will
The fire which in the heart resides,

The spirit bloweth and is still,

In mystery our soul abides;

But tasks in hours of insight willed

Can be through hours of gloom fulfilled.

My "hour of insight" that led to tasks I want to work on? Those can be fulfilled in those "hours of gloom" that sometimes follow a high.

So...this retreat has pushed me to latch onto a few things:

if every perfect gift is from above, then I can cling to God's goodness.
And if I believe that God is real and good, I shall strive to fear him - a mindset "clothed in action" leading me to obey
Stopping and asking myself "am I treating this problem like its bigger than God" definitely puts things into perspective
My belief in God's design for woman should push me to love my brothers - including respecting them. [by appreciating the fact that they are made different, valuing their perspective, encouraging their identity in God, and not mothering.]
And a bit of a shocker but also common sense: I shouldn't be praying that I'll be made into a Godly woman - I should be praying to love God more.

I know that some of these things may seem common sense to others but they call to me to be put into action. And even if they seem common sense to you - are you living as if they are truth? just a thought :)

one of my favorites

2010-03-09T11:04:00.000-08:00

This is sort of a random post, but I've come across these photos on the internet and saved them and thought I'd share. Julie Andrews is one of my favorite actresses. She's poised, she has wonderful diction, she's beautiful, and she has a lovely singing voice. She just seems like a classy lady and I like that.

She just looks like she's having a darn good time. And who wouldn't be, twirling around in a mountain field, hm?

I love this picture. Christopher Plummer looking handsome and Julie chatting away. I identify with her in this picture. Mostly because her mouth is open. ha.

Finally, I don't want to offend all you Audrey Hepburn fans out there, but Julie Andrews makes her look a bit emaciated. (I may be being a bit unfair here and Audrey may be getting older in this photo, but Julie Andrews has her beat in my humble opinion).

*sigh* Isn't she lovely?

Yep. that was a fan post. Sorry.

My favorite pizza. hands down.

2010-03-01T16:27:00.000-08:00

This "pizza" is delicious and easy to make, especially when you're cooking for one, which is how I roll these days. The idea can be traced back to the dear Emily Brunner whose parents live in Palouse, WA. Palouse happens to have a coffee shop that rocks my socks called the Green Frog - the owner has these rockin tattoos, named her child Elvis, makes the BEST scones I've ever had, and has pizza Fridays. So, without further ado - my favorite pizza recipe.

You'll need some simple ingredients:

A good pesto sauce (I like it with lots of pine nuts. You can make your own in a blender at home or get a good version from Costco) and barbecue sauce. Don't be fussy with the barbecue sauce - we just got honey hickory smoke flavor.

You'll also need an onion and an apple. I like red onions for this, since there's a lot of sweetness in the barbecue sauce and apple. Slice up that onion and apple real thin-like. Go ahead.

Brown the onion in some olive oil. Turn on the broiler, you'll need that later too. Now. I buy the Greek Flatbread because my skills with bread are not so hot. But you could make your own pizza crust. This works just fine. So spread the pesto and barbecue sauce on the flatbread while you're cooking the onions...

mmm. and that does not look delicious at all. But fear not faint-of-heart. It will get tastier. Now I arrange the apples on the pizza "bread" and "sauce"...

Ok. Put the browned onion on top of the apples and its time for cheese. Listen really closely now...

you want to buy smoked gouda.

That's the best thing. Don't argue. I may not have done it here, but I'm cheap. But buy the gouda. Say it with me. Gouda.

ok. Slice up the cheese, put it on and pop that pizza under the broiler for a minute or two till the cheese is melted.

Its pretty much the best thing to happen to pizza since...the invention of pizza. Enjoy!

p.s. I have no idea why this is underlined. It just happened. There's no button to remove it. I tried to edit the html with no luck. So unfortunately dear reader, you're just going to have to deal.

Please sir, may I have another.

2010-02-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

To be honest, I don't have a lot of days where I feel stupid. My parents raised me saying, "your last name is Kime, you can do it" and such things.

And I don't mean feeling stupid emotionally. There are plenty of times when I feel like I have the emotional and spiritual range of a teaspoon. [going through my day asking "why do I feel this way and how is that affecting my actions" has been a very very good thing]

No...I mean academically. It just honestly hasn't been crazy hard for me.

[For those of you who feel like that statement chafes you in some way, note that this ability has also produced in me procrastination and an ability to just do enough to get by. I don't necessarily excel...I do only what is required. Not a good life skill, and I know it]

Today on the other hand...today I feel like a twit.

I took the Washington State Educators Skills Test [WEST-E] for my intended endorsement in Biology. And...like most assessment tests for post-grad people, it was hard. I don't like walking away from a test saying "I don't know...".

But here I am, and all I can think of is...Praise God that my worth is not determined by my grades. Jesus doesn't love me any more or any less for getting an "A". My salvation is not dependent on my academic performance :)

Maybe I needed a little humbling.

hair

2010-02-15T08:39:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you a story. Its a story which explains things. Its backstory. And it explains my motivations now.

So. lets begin. [one should note that this story will have much more meaning for girls, as I'm pretty sure boys could give a rip about hair] I have very fine, kinda oily hair. Its just how God made me. And I'm kinda convinced that my hair has a genetic predisposition to want to be about an inch long.

So...lets go to 7th grade. Hannah is awkward. Tall for her age but a bit of a late bloomer, she decides to cut her hair. And when I say cut, I mean, man-hair short haircut. (where were the voices of reason at this time? who knows.) So first day of 7th grade, its lunch time, and all of Hannah's friends have filled the lunch table. There's no room...so she has to sit at a table with one of the biggest 8th grade boys she's ever seen. He asks her for a pretzel. And then he says..."you're a boy right?"

That wasn't scarring or anything.

Well actually, I find it kinda funny now. I also find it funny that my hair doesn't really want to do or be anything but short.

I've also heard from multiple sources that men prefer women with long hair. So. such a conundrum.

Alana's probably going to lose all her hair when she starts up chemotherapy in the next couple weeks, and as an act of solidarity I told her that I'd cut my hair short for her too. No sense in doing things alone.

So. here I sit. I've got short hair again. I don't think that I'll be getting the "are you a boy" thing again because I've got a few things going for me now. And we'll just have to wait and see if men are really repulsed by short hair.

Frankly, at this point and after all that's happened these last few weeks ...I don't care. And that's a nice place to be.

thoughts in a hospital ICU

2010-02-08T12:35:00.000-08:00

I will not sit by when a friend is in trouble. I will not let them be alone. I cannot let them feel that all is lost.

But at the end of the day, it is out of my control. God is the only one left holding all the cards. He is sovereign, whether or not I choose to acknowledge it.

At the end of the day...I can go home. I can run around the block. I can eat dinner. I can see my parents. IT IS JUST SO HARD. It is just so...not fair.

I have to believe in a God who has the answers to the hard questions. I have to believe in a God who controls ALL things. Even allowing the bad things to happen.

I'm going home tonight. And honestly...that's one of the hardest things I will do so far. I want to cry because I have to go. But Alana needs to sleep. And I am not the only one who loves her and will stay with her, by a long shot. ( I am prideful if I think that.) And I'll come back and visit as much as I can.

...I will say it now. God why did you do this now? Why something so strange? Why HER?

I lay it at the feet of the one who created the universe. The one who could crush me and who loves me. The one I believe loves her, hurts with her, cries when she can't.

ugh. Sometimes I am surprised at how much hurt the human heart can hold.

Want to know how I know that God loves me?

He put the Brunners in my life.

Life at home

2010-01-27T16:26:00.000-08:00

Life at home is...good. In the whole "character building" sense of the word. Believe it or not folks, I like my parents and they are pretty good about respecting the fact that I'm 22.

Its this "alone" thing that gets me at times.

Not the "woe is me I'm single" thing - although face it, I'm human, I'm young, and I'm still keeping an eye out for an upstanding Christian man. (sometimes I wonder if everybody drank the "marriage kool-aid" when I wasn't around) Its this...being solitary. Living 30 to 40 minutes away from my friends and the things I want to do. Finding out that the whole living with 11 of the coolest friends ever thing probably 'aint gonna happen again. [that fact hit me in the car the other day...hooray for driving and sobbing at the same time! It needed to be done folks.]

Lets face it...I'm living in limbo. This isn't reality - where you kinda work, kinda hang out with people, kinda sit on the couch all day. No...life will start up again soon and I'll be wondering where all my free time went. And I WILL find friends. Well, I have friends...I will find a group. A community. But that takes time too.

So currently? I will keep making dinner for the folks, keep running, keep reading. I will find a church. I will attempt to start up a small group with the girlies at Crossroads. I will not let this sort of thing keep me down.

That's what I keep telling myself.

This comes down to trust. Do I trust that God's plan is perfect and that He wouldn't lead me into something that was bad? Do I trust his track record (he hasn't failed me yet, though I have Him) Do I trust that He is working even if I can't see it?

For all my whining I want my answer to be "yes".

Chocolate Decadence Cookies with Hazelnut

2010-01-23T18:40:00.001-08:00

I saw a recipe in Sunset magazine that I was eager to try - probably because of the art direction for the article. It was so pretty! So. Things to note. 1. I am a die-hard Nutella fan. 2. I cannot say not to chocolate. Behold....

Chocolate Decadence Cookies: makes 40 cookies ( or if you're me...20)

Ingredients:
10 oz bittersweet chocolate
2 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 C unsalted butter
3 large eggs, room temp

1 C sugar
3/4 C flour

3/4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 C chopped hazelnuts

Step 1:
place chocolate and butter in metal bowl, set over pan with 1 in. simmering water. Cook until melted. Remove from heat, allow to cool slightly. Whisk in eggs and sugar. Whisk in flour, baking powder, hazelnuts, and salt. chill dough for 2 hours.

Step 2:
preheat oven to 350 degrees. let dough sit out of fridge for 15 minutes. Place 1 Tbsp size scoops onto baking sheet 1 inch apart. Bake until no longer wet-looking on top - about 8 minutes.

Step 3:
let cookies cool, garnish with nutella.

Local

2010-01-17T23:55:00.000-08:00

the pastor at church this morning used this quote:

"All politics is local."
-Tip O'Neill

That's a pretty simple statement - and, like Pastor Jay said, it doesn't just apply to politics.

Politicians can want large-scale change, but it has to work on a local scale. I can sit here and say that I want to see God do big things through me...and I'll just end up sitting here. Not that he won't, but I have a sphere of influence. A realm that I am present in. If I don't act in that realm, then what's going to happen?

^{John 21:15}When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

Love for my Savior translates into action. (no...not Mormonism action=more saved. you know that's not what I mean.)

But its just words if I don't do anything.

So. what lambs are in my path today? What can I do, right here where I am in Graham? And how can I take care of Jesus' sheep?

Meet the cast 2...

2010-01-07T11:22:00.000-08:00

On our next installment of meet my housemates...This is Beezer. We are not generally a little, yappy dog family, however this old man has creeped into our lives and pretty much changed how everything's done at our house. He's a 12 year old dachshund and he has trained my mother to come when he barks. We even have a sweater for him. Its rather sick actually.

But yeah...unlike the other dogs he is picked up and held, gets to ride on our laps in the car, and has to be tucked into his bed. Geez.

pretty...

2010-01-06T22:08:00.000-08:00

...little blue cup purchased at Bucers to remember my favorite coffee shop. It has been used to carry my life-blood to and from places like church and work...It makes me happy every time I see it.

In other news...I have been traipsing about the country side. More to come on that...

Meet the cast...

2010-01-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately for my few readers, this blog is going to turn into a riveting tale of life with one's parents. That said, you all really should meet the individuals I live with. So the next few days are dedicated to my "housemates".

This is Charity. She has an interesting life story (involving a catapult and a broken pelvis) but suffice it to say, she is a clinic reject cat. A little crazy and ill-adjusted since we're hardly ever home. We would show her lots of love...if she ever came near us.

Her current tic is that she is a yarn cat. like...literally. combine one part crazy and one part knitting sister and you get a cat who leaves yarn stringing through the house. Here she's pictured with a ball of yarn that she brought all the way upstairs from my sister's room. My mother is thrilled.

Ah...the typical years end recap blog.

2010-01-01T14:58:00.000-08:00

I know that these blogs can kinda be annoying to read as they are quite long. Believe it or not, they're actually quite annoying to write too, as my memory is not too good and my brain tends to wipe clean those things it thinks are unnecessary. At least that's my theory. But, in writing this, and in reading this in the future, I am reminded of several things:

[1] God is faithful. Regardless of the situation, He has never put me in a situation that I did not grow in and look back on and say "that was good"
[2] the unknown doesn't have to be scary. See? You didn't know you were going to do all those things in 2009, eh?
[3] the people in my life are what makes it beautiful. I don't make sense without all my friends and family.

So. Without further ado....2009.

Let's begin with getting my wisdom teeth out (aka puking/puffy hell) and the almost-flooding, could have led to bankruptcy of my parents' veterinary clinic. We're still here and my face is a normal size again! hooray!

Spring semester started - classes that I actually didn't enjoy too much, like Evolution and Animal Behavior (but animal behavior is loathed mostly for the horrible crow/dog food experiment that shall go down in infamy...) and classes that I LOVED like microbiology. I think I picked the wrong major...but I digress.

Oh and the start of my illustrious reign as house president which pretty much consisted of calling DRA for a week when our water heater died. died. I have a lot more respect for people without hot water. And I can now say that I have had my wet hair freeze outside.

Started dating a very nice boy in February. Stopped dating him in June-ish. My first relationship, my first break-up. I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark with these relationship things, and this was probably no exception. However, learned a LOT and regret nothing. He's still a nice boy.

Took the most wonderful trip to Portland with the worship team - singing, wonderful people (and all their cute kids) to stay with, and the most delicious Hawaiian food EVER. At least I thought so.

Turned 22, got the camera that has pretty much taken over my hobbies. Remember when I said I can't remember much? Well pictures help :)

The most glorious summer in the history of summers happened: My sister came to live with me and the start of so many fun adventures. Things like...

Going to Palouse falls, sleeping in the back of Alana's pickup and waking up to the loudest dawn chorus at 5 am, cooking pancakes on my barbecue and then almost killing ourselves on the cliffs surrounding the waterfall
driving Rosalie to the airport at 4 in the morning and killing time in Spokane till the mall opened with Dani and Alana
Visiting Leavenworth/Wenatchee with the family
Whitney got married in a super pretty ceremony in Snoqualmie. I cried like a baby and danced the night away.
Our "rafting" trip on the Snake. and by that I mean, rowing to the opposite side of the river and floating in the shade :)
Backpacking for the first time ever with Sharon up in the Wallowas. I would love to do more of that....
Saving the last of the Brunner's hay from the craziest thunder storm I've seen in a while and getting soaked and covered with hives (grass allergy) then taking Benadryl on an empty stomach, getting high and saying weird things on Ben's couch. yep.

Saying goodbye to Alana, Em, Dani....*sigh*

Starting up the final semester. 17 credits including choir, independent study...oofta. And still trying to finance my coffee addiction by working 20 hours a week. I wasn't home as much as I would have liked, needless to say.

Went from being a sedentary couch potato to an almost runner - Brooke, Kelly and I ran the Spokane 5 mile in October and we hadn't run at all before that! I'm so proud. And, by the way, I'm quite happy that I've lost about 40 pounds since my sophomore year of college. Hooray for being healthy and cutting your pant size almost in half.

Took a fun camping trip to Lake Chatcolet in Idaho (bless you Sharon...you made us go outside).

Franklin died. I bawled like a baby. But don't tell anybody.

I drove off the road at 70 miles an hour without a scratch to me or the car. Oh buddy. And thank you Jesus.

Gary Brunner had a stroke right before dead week and the world seemed to turn upside down for a while. He's working away at rehab now, his house is being built through the beautiful body of Christ, and Alana and Em are back in Palouse.

and...I graduated. And moved back home.

So yeah. That's the year in review. There were many trips to the pub to play pool, dance parties, movies watched, much homework done, and many miles put on the Jellybean.

It was beautiful. I'm scared about 2010 (so many new things on the horizon!) but if 2009 was better than 2008....things are only looking up, right?

Potato Lefse

2009-12-26T09:29:00.000-08:00

I like food blogs. A lot. Guiding people through recipes with pictures makes cooking a little bit less daunting in my opinion. So. I thought I would give it a try. Here we have a traditional Scandanavian potato flatbread called Lefse - my family makes it every Christmas and serves it rolled up with butter and sugar. Its a bit labor intensive to make, but hey - its tasty!

So. lets get started. Start off by boiling 5 pounds of potatoes in salted water with the skins on. Then peel them and put them through a ricer. Stir the potatos with a 1/2 pound of melted butter and then chill overnight.

You end up with this lovely consistency:

Now to prep the work space. You need a big griddle - we have one specifically for lefse at our house, but any flat heated surface works. Just set it to about 400 degrees. And no cooking oil needed. My other grandma used the stove top. Set out a pastry cloth and COVER it in flour. Seriously, you're going to need it.

Divide the potatoes into even portions - we did 1/6ths and work in 1 1/2 cups of flour till you get a nice roll of dough.

Divide that roll of dough into sections about 2 inches thick and cut...

Flour your rolling pin...

And roll out the dough - you're going for thin and round.

Once rolled out you take a long spatula (we have special lefse sized ones), carefully pick up the lefse and roll it onto the griddle so its flat.

Just a note: we turn off the heat in the house when we cook the lefse. The griddle gets HOT. Wait for the lefse to get pretty little brown freckles on each side - about 30ish seconds a side.

When cooked, transfer the lefse to a clean dishtowel with your spatula and cover it. This keeps moisture off while it cools.

You'll end up with a great big stack of lefse!

Just butter it, sprinkle sugar on it and roll. It melts in your mouth, no kidding. You can try it with different toppings too. Scandanavians use it like bread - I've seen it wrapped around fish or even used to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Its so tasty!

Want...

2009-12-23T23:28:00.000-08:00

...to bake these...

amazing peppermint ganache brownies

...to watch this movie...

Digimon!!

...to take lots of pictures. and not of myself :)

I'm bAAAaaack...

2009-12-23T18:50:00.000-08:00

Well...here I am. home.

Its been a bit of an ordeal, but not as much of one as I thought it would be, thank God. Drove home after a quick visit to Spokane with some of my favorite people [EVER]. Not sure what I'll do with them all hours and hours away but that's a hurdle we'll deal with later I suppose. It was good to see Gary smile, even if it was a "nice to see you" smile. He claimed me as a surrogate daughter once and I'm not going to forget it.

The drive home on the other hand...was sooo icky. Super foggy and spats of rain and then standing water on the pass. Definitely felt like I had my life in my hands a couple times, but perhaps that's just aftershock from driving off the road last time I drove I-90.

So, here I am. We moved all my junk into the dining room and I proceeded to try and figure out how to fit it all into my already slightly full room. Its funny - trying to fit all those things from elementary school/junior high/high school you didn't want to throw away, plus all the kitchen stuff that your mom has purchased for when you have a family of your own and the stuff from living in a house, plus all the stuff you had in your room in Pullman - yeah - its kind crowded in here. Luckily for me there's the 50% off section in Ikea. Out went the old desktop computer desk and in went a nice clean bookshelf. I've got all my junk that makes me feel like home...my picture frames and the dried plant bouquet Brooke made me and the bird sketches Em made and my pictures of Rockette good times and my Cannon Beach seashells...

Its funny finding out how much you save out of sentiment. I may be one of the worst pack-rats when it comes to nice notes people have written me. I'm a sucker for the written word. I'm also a sucker for tall men, but that's another story...

*sigh* my room is becoming a safe place.

Now to get rested and find the motivation to get stuff done.

“Warm summer sun, shine kindly here; Warm southern wind, blow softly here; Green sod above, lie light, lie light Good night, dear heart, good night, good night.”
-Mark Twain

2009-12-13T12:33:00.000-08:00

Well. I graduated. All in all its quite surreal - but the time has come to move on to different things. Life is funny like that. I just keep moving, sometimes getting ahead of myself, other times hurrying to catch up with events. This sorta feels like the latter.

I have been so blessed by the people I have met in Pullman. People who made friends with little ol' awkward me - that girl who seemed incapable of social interaction in high school. I am blessed by the series of experiences this town has brought me - events that forced me to decide who I am, what I believe, and what I'm going to do about it. I am blessed by WSU in that I got to learn about some really cool brain candy things and got a diploma doing it.

Off to try my hand at this thing called life and adulthood. Here's hoping it goes well :)

moping

2009-12-11T22:08:00.000-08:00

I'll admit it. I'm moping around. Sitting here in my computer chair, my afghan wrapped around me, wearing sweats, typing away. Today has been a series of putting one foot in front of another and not quite having the energy to do it.

I graduate tomorrow. Well, the ceremony is tomorrow anyway. In no way am I done. 4 exams and 1 paper to go before I can claim to feel free.

I feel like I should be out doing something exciting - celebrating or hanging out with friends. But...they're not home. And I can't do anything for fear of being an utter zombie tomorrow from lack of sleep.

I feel like I should be with Alana and the Brunners. But I can't do that either.

So...I'll finish a paper, drink a cup of cocoa, listen to some alt rock, play with some new actions on photoshop and contemplate going to bed. Tomorrow is a big day...or so I'm told.

I'll feel better in the morning.

2009-12-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

yesterday I was reading in John as I have been doing this semester and I had a thought.

Just to back up - it has been a wonderful experience reading John slowly, and just getting to know the people and watching the interactions between them. You come into the book with John saying over and over that Jesus is the light - that he has come to illuminate us - our sin, our need - and to rescue us.

I so want to know the tone with which Jesus uses when he speaks to people. When Mary and Martha say to Jesus "if you had been here he would not have died". What are they thinking?

John keeps showing us that Jesus is backing himself up. He's showing evidence. He is the Son of Man and God is his father. He is the Messiah. Open your eyes, because He's speaking.

So. back to yesterday. I'm in John 13. Jesus knows the end is near. He's going to be leaving in a matter of a day or two. He knows the weight of what must be done, the pain he will experience, and I'm sure all the human being in him is screaming against it. But is he moping or wandering off or being cynical or angry? no...

"Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love" John 13:1b

Jesus is washing his disciples feet. He's eating the Passover dinner with them. He is loving his friends and being a servant to them.

As I finished the chapter and read that Judas had left to betray Jesus a thought bubbled to the surface.

"Jesus, don't go. You can't die. I want you to stay."

I treasure that thought. That brief moment when all the Bible reading wasn't for knowledge, but just to get to know this man. To savor the presence of a person who was so different from you and me but who understands us fully - that he had to be our Savior.

I want that thought to stay.

2009-11-29T23:12:00.000-08:00

who put all the engagement pills in the water? goodness.

congrats to all you kids getting engaged! We're all just jealous of the good time you're having.

:)

Happy Thanksgiving :)

2009-11-26T22:33:00.001-08:00

Its been kind of a different Thanksgiving break - lots to think about and prepare for. I feel very unprepared for the next few weeks to come and no motivation to change that. I feel afraid to move back home - that I

will become the person I was before I left. I feel overwhelmed by the number of individuals who are in relationships, getting engaged, having babies - and the fact that I'm moving back in with my parents. I feel excitement for the next stage. I feel sad too - I think I'm already missing the people I will leave in Pullman.

Thanksgiving was chill - just the Kimes, the Klindworths,

and the Millers. Grandma, Grandpa and their two daughters and their families. Of course we had tons of delicious food (candied yams??!!! EEE!), played Whist with Grandma, played Halo ODST with the brother and cousins, and just hung out. I definitely almost lapsed into a food coma at 6 o'clock.

Oh and the cousins - they're growing up so fast

. Or maybe its just that I haven't been

around much the past 4 and 1/2 years. Either way, they're hitting adolescence at full speed.

Thanksgiving Break playlist so far:

"The Great Exchange" Thrice

"Nothing, Then" Punch Brothers
"Into the Mystic" Once soundtrack

"New Romantic" Laura Marling
"There Is So Much More" Brett Dennen

It is good to be home. To breath this air. To sleep till 9. To run in the mornings. To be with the people I love and who love me.

ok...now this week is officially the craziest ever.

2009-11-22T15:57:00.000-08:00

I drove home today. I was the last girl at the house because I had to go bury the two ratties and then didn't think it would be too safe to try the pass at night. So, I just chilled at the Rock until early Sunday morning. [on a side note...that house is so creepy without 11 other people in it. The furnace turns on and the whole house shifts. back to the story.] So I headed out of Pullman at 7:30, intent on getting home before sundown.

It had snowed the night before and I didn't have my traction tires so getting out of Pullman was a little interesting, but after about Dusty the snow was gone and it was just high winds and rain. I got Ellensburg as scheduled, got my coffee, and headed towards the pass.

Things were going swell. The road appeared clear, everybody was driving at a reasonable speed, and I was happy to be heading home.

I went to pass a semi 3 miles out of Cle Elum and hit a patch of slush that was near invisible. So at 70 miles an hour, my car started sliding to the left. I just remember saying "God, help..." and getting ready for pain. Snow smashed into the wind shield and I felt the car slide off the road into the median, spinning.

When I opened my eyes, there I sat, pointing in the direction I had been driving, smack dab in the middle of the snow covered median. My coffee had spilled...but that was it. Why didn't my car flip over? I would think it would have at that speed, headed down into a snow bank...

But nope. My first thought? Oh crap. my parents are going to be thrilled. So I call Dad, because bless him, he is always there to answer the phone, and ask for the tow truck number. But wait...can I just drive out? The snow was pretty deep...but I try...and my car budges. And after driving back and forth in the blasted median, my car breaks free and I shakily drive back onto I-90.

It was only after I got out that I just about burst into tears...I prayed for protection before I left and I received it. There wasn't anything wrong with the car as far as I could see, and all I had was a coffee stain on my pants. And "Sing to Jesus" was playing on my iPod when I felt safe enough to turn it on again.

Psalm 107:19-21

¹⁹ Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.

²⁰ He sent forth his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.

²¹ Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.

what a week...

2009-11-21T18:30:00.000-08:00

Things sometimes just compound on themselves. Not really for any reason. Not luck. Just...because.

I had to take Reese to the vet hospital today. She was Alana's rat - Franklin's mother. We found her last night with her head permanently tilted to the left, just turning and leaning to the left. We would pick her up and she would just flip over. After talking to my dad it was narrowed down to either a middle ear problem or a brain tumor.

so, after permission from Alana all the way over in Uganda, I ended up at the vet hospital. again.

So in some weird, dark poetic thing, Franklin and his mom are buried in Palouse.

I know they are just rats, but they were important to somebody.

I'm starting to feel like the rat grim reaper.

Franklin

2009-11-18T22:41:00.000-08:00

Franklin was a wee little baby when I got him. He was quite simple - didn't try to run away, just wanted to be near you, looked up when you called his name. He then proceeded to get obese, developed a love for cheese-its, and entertained us all by how he wouldn't squirm when you held him. Overall, he was a good little ratty.

He died tonight. Not sure what happened...but finding him in pain was not how I wanted to spend my night. I am thankful for housemates who bring me kleenex, for Melissa who drove me to the vet hospital, and for the hugs.

There are times when I feel like a silly girl. Normally, I would say that crying over a rat was stupid.

Tonight I was just crying for a creature in pain that I couldn't help.

I don't like death. I will never become accustomed to it when it affects those I care about. Even silly little rodents.

2009-11-16T16:32:00.000-08:00

So I have not had the best day. By any stretch of the imagination. I ruined 24 samples at the lab today, fell asleep all over campus, have this weird-sauce headache, and found out that I can't do anymore research till next week because we're out of gels.

Ah. I feel better. Venting done. So I think I shall end this post with things that make me happy/that I'm thankful for. Attitude adjustment ahoy!

I got to talk to a friend I haven't talked to in forever. Its not like either of us are superwoman at communication, but I have been quite lax this semester on calling folks. (as in...called my sister in Michigan...twice?) She is a blessing, even all the way from Illinois.
I just found a sampler cd on iTunes for 2.50. yeah buddy.
I am blessed to have parents that actually want me to come home and live with them. crazy.
I am thankful for peppermint cocoa. And realizing that Christmas songs are ok before Thanksgiving.
I checked out the 5th Wheel of Time book today. Oh 700 page brain candy...
I have house mates that make me do things that are uncomfortable, when I'm being a poo, when they must be done. Yay for sisters. And thank you.
I started running again after a week of nothing. I need more motivation, but its good to know that I haven't completely fallen off the wagon.
Thanksgiving break has never looked so good.

2009-11-09T23:09:00.000-08:00

Taking pictures of myself is easy - I can delete the ones I don't like, edit out the imperfections...but pictures other people have taken of me? That's another matter. These pictures have been taken recently and make me laugh every time I see them. Probably because this is the real me.

2009-11-08T12:11:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been spent being cranky. Sometimes I just get into a funk that is quite difficult to wade out of. I feel like it is ending though - some of that is a result of the past 24 hours. Because at the end of the day, God sees fit to use little ol' cranky me. The person who was stomping around avoiding eye contact is now so blessed to be a part of something.

I don't deserve to be the one to dole out the hugs. To assure those that it will be ok (but it WILL!). To be the one who attests to God's goodness.

Yet here I am. I have to smile - God IS faithful. He will pull us out of the slimy pit, he will fix what is broken, He will redeem what is lost. He already has.

So here I sit. Basking in the tiny ray that my Lord and Savior has let fall on me. I have seen his goodness in the land of the living and I cannot remain cranky after something like that.

2009-10-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

These pictures are so pensive but that's how I've been feeling the last few days. I kinda like them were it not for too high of an ISO.

I just want to see life more clearly.

2009-10-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

you know that "i'm getting tired of this routine and apathy is setting in but if I leave I don't know what's out there and who knows it could be bad" feeling?

yeah. I've got it. 6 weeks of classes to go before I graduate.

the Spokane 5 mile race

2009-10-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

oh buddy. When I went off to college I never thought I'd end up liking to run...let alone outside...let alone more than a mile. Granted, I was also about 35 pounds heavier and just trying to survive life at that point. I thought...hey...I like singing and drama. I'll do that. Athletics are for other kids.

Not to say that I would now consider myself athletic. But dang it I'm trying. haha.

[as a side note...there are so many things I didn't know I'd do in college. I am so different from when I set foot in Pullman over 4 years ago. thank goodness and thank God]

A big group of runners and us lil' runner wanna-bes set off for Spokane to run. It was a chilly morning - 24 degrees and the kind of cold that tends to seep through all the layers you thought would be enough. The marathoners started, then the 1/2 marathoners, and then finally us 5 mile kids. It wasn't that good of a run actually...haha. I'd had food poisoning that Thursday and didn't get a chance to run or do anything remotely active. My guts were still settling. but maybe that's tmi? haha. anyways. It was a bad run for me all things considered. We finished together (bless those girls...they could have left me in the dust the speed I was going that morning) at 53 minutes. Not the pace I wanted to run. Not my goal time. Kind of a fail run.
But that said...um...what am I talking about? I could hardly run a mile when I started this thing out. And I wouldn't have set foot outside to to anything remotely active in that temperature. kudos to us for getting off our butts that morning.

So I have some legit running shoes now. And a new goal....1/2 marathon next year. Bring it on.

My new" pretty/ugly feel oh-so-good want to run for hours" shoes.

yet another movie that I may or may not see but want to and appreciate the trailer...

2009-10-01T08:10:00.001-07:00

1/3 in...

2009-09-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

It's over a third of the way into my last semester at WSU. So many thoughts and hopes and feelings wrapped up in that statement...the swell of the memories hitting you all at once. The sun shining in your window in that way that the Pullman afternoon sun tends to creep away, leaving clouds and fields bright orange. Sitting in my room (MY room...) in the Rock, the house that has been my haven and love for the past few years. Listening to that cd that I bought here and listened to till I could tell you every beautiful tune.

Perhaps I've forgotten that I handed this semester over to God much earlier - because the stress of it comes crashing down sometimes. The stress of wanting it to be GOOD and knowing that my own sole effort will not make it so. God will make it good because he is faithful to complete the work he started here and in me. God will make it good because he works all things, including trails, out for his glory.

Adulthood comes creeping up on me - that clumsy step into the life that I have chosen. It hit me that the decisions that I have made in the past were supposed to lead up to this point. This stepping out. At least that's what they tell you in high school.

I'm coming to the point where all I can do is trust.

"...For I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him..."

Camping

2009-09-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

I like to figure stuff out on my own. I think I need the act of discovering things for myself after making mistakes. I'm hard headed like that.

anyways...I didn't get what these outdoors-ey people were up to. For some reason, sleeping on the hard ground out in the cold just didn't seem appealling. My dad did it when he was younger. A couple of my housemates were really into it. I didn't get it.

This summer marked my first foray into the world of "roughing it". Just a little one night backpacking trip into the Wallawas. It was glorious - finding out how far you can push yourself, eating because you're hungry and sleeping because you're tired, taking pictures of beautiful country and being with wonderful down-to-earth people. So now I am not so against camping.

I would like to continue in this.

This weekend a bunch of girls from church and the house went car camping up at Lake Chatcolet in Heyburn State Park in Idaho. Not exactly roughing it, but enough to get some outdoors-ey time before it gets too cold and autumn is upon us. Hooray for camping!

the view from my tent in the mornin'

Rockettes past and present, before our 6 mile walk

The really cool trail - its paved for biking from Plummer to Cour de Alene

I have missed large bodies of water...

2009-09-09T17:51:00.001-07:00

"This is the true joy in life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."
-George Bernard Shaw

I am ever more convicted of living halfway on things. Societally its ok - if we don't bump into anybody else on our way then everybody's ok with everybody, right? And I am especially good at trying to not ruffle feathers...

But what would it look like if I chose to be used up for a purpose that I viewed as "mighty"? What if I deemed my God and his will worthy of my time, effort, emotion, and life? Its so grandious sounding...and yet I'm not sure we're called to less.

Read Crazy Love by Francis Chan if you want to get your little Christian world turned upside down. You have been warned.

I like goals. I like to fulfill them in a procrastinating fashion.

2009-09-02T22:36:00.001-07:00

Sometimes its nice to have a goal.

I have several at the moment:

Graduation. That seems like a reasonable goal. The real clincher is if I can do it magna cum laude. I have a 3.78 and I'm not sure if all "A's" this semester will get it up there. I can try though.

Running a 5 mile race in October. Totally do-able at the rate that we've been going since we started in late August. But you see....I don't do physical activity. Ever. So this is big folks. Big. We did 3 miles today - and I'm kinda hoping we hang out at that distance for a while seeing as it was a bit more difficult than anything in the 2 range.

A good attitude. Things could be ever so worse. In fact I am incredibly blessed. Therefore, getting sassy about the littlest thing seems silly.

Sleeping 8 hours a night. Its been easy seeing that most girls in my house seem to go to bed at 10 o'clock. We may go to bed at the same time as the elderly, but darn it, we're rested at 6:30 am!