I didn't start this blog with any purpose in mind - except perhaps to inform people about what I was up to in college etc. Gradually its evolved into a series of posts on what God is teaching me. Part of me wishes I had something more "significant" to say to the world, but another part of me is just happy that Jesus is significant enough to warrant blog posts. I look back to a few years ago and that was not me at all - I thought I had better things to say. But as the years go by and life gets more complicated I find that the only stand-by that I have is Christ. So be it.


All that to say...as I move forward in my vocational goals God is doing a number on my heart.

What does it mean to be an adult?

I fear that I may have taken what my parents said to me as I grew up and twisted it in my head. Given it far too much significance. The fact of the matter is that when you hear things repeated enough times, you tend to remember them.

"Your last name is Kime. You must be out for blood."

I was told less dramatic things too - things like - "we just want you to be happy and able to support yourself." My parents sacrificed for our education - and I took that to mean that the most important thing that they could have done for me was to have me "set up for success". What makes your parents proud is when you are the salutatorian of your high school class. When you pick a career that they can tell others with a straight face.

I think I took things wrong. And regardless of what they really meant for us Kime children (which was that they loved us and wanted us to be happy), I have taken all these things to mean that my worth is determined by my success in school. By my intelligence. By my career title when its all said and done.

I hope you can understand then the guilt and shame that has accompanied these last 6 months.

I don't want to be a teacher. And I took out loans for a year of school to find that tidbit of information out.

I moved back home after college...and still work for my parents.

My sister is married....my brother is starting college...and I'm back where I was the summer after my senior year of high school.

...

God gave me a picture last night. He doesn't usually communicate so clearly with me - or I'm not listening well.

I'm in a huge room with God. I am at the corner of the room but the ceiling is so high that I can't even see its limit and God is at the other corner - blazing warm and wonderful light on me. And I am tiny. And filthy and cowering in the corner. I refuse to look at him - instead I am sitting in the dust of the corner clutching meaningless boxes and trinkets around me.

I am that girl right now - holding the significant things of this life close to me as if they will make me happy. A job, a significant other, money, a place to live of my own...and I am refusing to see that my significance is not in these things, but in the fact that God calls me his daughter and welcomes me to trust Him. I have built up so many walls to this grace that I don't even realize that they're there anymore.

But my Father is still there. Waiting for me to acknowledge Him because He loves me. For the moment that thought in itself is comfort enough.